I Shaved My Legs For This?

I'm THAT Auntie!

2011-12-22T15:55:00.000-08:00

Yep, I'm THAT Auntie. The kind that spoils your kid and sends them home. The one that feeds them candy and chocolate milk, lets them stay up late watching Disney movies, orders pizza, and sings Katie Perry songs with them at the top of her lungs while we make chocolate chip pancakes!

No lie... my nieces love me! The three year old calls me Auntie Num-Nums.

For my oldest niece's 12th birthday I decided that a little kid torture would be fun! Her mom told me she needed minutes for her cell phone. I bought a Verizon Card and wrapped it in paper, and then cardboard, and more paper, and then some corrugate, then a couple boxes, and more layers of gift wrap.

12 layers deep! The outside box was huge - about 3 foot square. Every couple of layers there was a note "not done yet", "keep going", "do you feel the love?" LOL... all the grown ups were cracking up, and she was shooting me looks that said, "YOU ARE TOTALLY NUTS!!" It was wonderful.

The kids and I also made her a dozen candy flowers inside a candy vase. Everything was edible and very, very cute. She loved it!

So after sugaring her up sufficiently I went home and left my Sister In Law to deal with the messy parenting part. Whooo Yahhh - I love love love being an Auntie. Of course when my SIL does the same for my kids I think, for just a brief second, that payback is a bitch. But hey... it's our job to spoil them. Moms and Dad's get to do the serious stuff!

Life gets in the way of all my plans

2011-12-21T15:55:00.000-08:00

I'm sure you understand what I mean! Isn't that the case for everyone? At least for those of us who are not independently wealthy, living a life of ease? Where oh where is that nanny? Has anyone seen my Chef?

I was hoping to update my blog several times over the past few weeks, and each time I sat down I was inundated with things to do - wedding things, kid things, work commitments, emails, Christmas projects... you name it.

Now it's nearly Christmas, and I'm getting ready to head out of town to celebrate with BLT's family. The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of shopping, wrapping, and packing to get gifts send UPS to the future in-laws. Once that was accomplished I needed to focus on my niece's 12th birthday, as well as my annual holiday cookie party.

I love this time of year, but occasionally I have to remind myself that these things are supposed to be fun - they aren't supposed to be stressful. I have to sit back, take a breath, and let some things go. I tend to aim for perfection and beat myself up if we don't fit in every event, every party, every tradition. As the kids have gotten older I've found it harder and harder to keep up. This year all that stress was multiplied by the knowledge that upon our return in January we will be facing a visit from our GAL to do a home study and discuss my X with the children. She's trying to determine what their interest is in seeing him, and whether or not they are emotionally ready for that to happen. It's an incredibly stressful idea - the thought that someone is coming into your home to interview your children, poke around, and make judgements on your abilities.

I had wanted to go to Zoo Lights. I wanted to get holiday portraits taken. I wanted to bring cookie baskets to our fire house. I wanted to make Christmas cards. None of those things were accomplished. Hell, I only got a Christmas tree put up on the 16th because the Cookie Party was happening that weekend and I wanted the house to look somewhat festive! At this point I'm going to be rushing like mad for the next two days to get the four kids hair cut (to avoid looking like small homeless people when we are introduced to BLT's extended family for the first time) to finish up the laundry and pack up our bags, to deliver the idiot dogs to Ethel for doggy-sitting, packing up the car, and cleaning out the fridge so we don't leave food to go bad for the next couple weeks.

I did manage to get my snow tires installed, and get the kids to bathe the rotten dogs - which I know Ethel appreciates!

So it appears that the Nanny has permanently run off with the Chef - so I better get to that long "to do" list before I end up even farther behind!

Lost and Found

2011-12-04T03:46:00.000-08:00

In the past few weeks I have misplaced and/or just flat out lost...

My Kindle
My Favorite Purse
My Left Jogging Shoe
My Phone Charger
My Green Travel Mug Lid

I have found...

My Kindle
My Favorite Purse (The Kindle was Inside)
My Stack of Birthday Cards I Bought To Mail Out (didn't even know those were lost)
My Favorite Perfume For Sale.. I thought it was discontinued
The Perfect Bridesmaid Shoes

That darn phone charger and coffee lid are problematic to be sure though... and I'm really sure my jogging shoe just got shoved to the deep dark reaches under my bed. I'll have to send a small child under there to root it out!

I am more than a bit worried however that they'll finally find my vibrator I lost six months or so ago. After a rather fun evening with BLT that sucker has not been seen again, and I think in the heat of the moment it fell off and then under the bed, but I've wiggled under there as far as I can and I haven't been able to see it.

Dang it... neither the jogging shoes, nor my toy were inexpensive... They better turn up!

Not Feelin' that Christmas Spirit

2011-12-03T01:33:00.000-08:00

I'm not upset. I'm not depressed, or feeling negatively in any way about the holidays - I'm just overwhelmingly busy. Usually I'm one of those obnoxiously happy holiday partakers who decorates her house to the nines. The tree is up the weekend of Thanksgiving, and I've got holly hung by the front the door, stockings near the mantle, cheesy patterned Santa and reindeer pillows on the couch, a collection of nut crackers on display, and our advent calender ticking off the days towards Christmas.

This year? Nothing yet. We are taking the kids south to see BLT's family during Christmas, so we're leaving on the 22nd and don't plan on coming home until the new year. I'm just not overly excited about hauling all the decorations out for two weeks of enjoyment. I even borrowed a fake tree so I don't have a fire hazard here in my living room while we are away... but it's still sitting in it's box in the middle of the floor.

I'm busy as hell at work, and I have to get all the holiday gifts wrapped ASAP and mailed down to the family so that the kids can open them Christmas morning. I need to do laundry and pack, finish up my baking for my annual cookie exchange, figure out what to do for BLT's birthday - it's in December as well - along with your average host of holiday obligations.

It's all fun, and I'm not Bah Humbugging any of it... but damn I'm tired. I just don't feel like decorating this year....

His Reasoning

2011-12-02T01:20:00.000-08:00

BLT was getting ready to head out of town. There's a huge racing industry show in Florida we attend each year, and we've been invited to participate in a televised commercial segment of the show. This is an amazing opportunity for our growing little company.

BLT was given the OK by the boss lady to purchase a new pair of shoes, some slacks, and get a hair cut on the company card. He went out on Tuesday and got himself all cleaned up. Wheww boy, does that man shine when he's all spit and polished. I asked him how come he got all sexy right before he was leaving me for a week.

His Oh So Male answer was, "So you'll be horny and rub your boobs all over me when I get back!" Well... okay... you smooth talker....

Thankful

2011-12-01T01:20:00.000-08:00

I decided I did not have time to post a daily, "Thankful For" list. Let's be honest, I can hardly find the time to come and post every couple of weeks. I do however want to officially post the things that I've been blessed with this year. I think it's important to recognize your gifts, big and small, and to acknowledge them.

Since there are thirty days in November, I'll put my top thirty blessings here, in particular order...
1. My Children
2. BLT's Love
3. My Parents Still Being Alive
4. Living in A Small Town
5. My Vintage Style Schwinn
6. Generous Landlords
7. Good Teachers
8. An Excellent Lawyer
9. Good Health
10. A Dependable Vehicle
11. Rainy Days
12. My Kindle
13. Ethel
14. Long, Slow Kisses
15. Lazy Sunday's
16. Snow Tires
17. Banana Bread
18. Handmade Gifts
19. A Kitchen with Three Ovens (yep... I'm so lucky!)
20. Being Able to Pay My Bills (even if it's just barely)
21. Faith That Everything Happens For a Reason
22. Good Friends
23. A Diligent G.A.L
24. Smart Children Who Excel in School
25. My Perfect Bed
26. Netflix
27. Wedding Plans Coming Together
28. An Excellent Job
29. Medical Insurance
30. Daisies and Tulips

Oh those wacky kids...

2011-11-16T11:45:00.000-08:00

Having four kids in the house makes for a fun, but wildly busy and rowdy household. About ten days ago my poor Monkey Pants had to be knocked out and have a bunch of dental work done. One of the things they had to do was pull out both of the bottom front baby teeth. The adult teeth had grown in behind them, a la shark style, and those little baby teeth were not coming out on their own... so now Money Pants has a lisp. LOL, it's the cutest thing ever. "Momma, I love you thith muth" Who wouldn't melt when they heard that?

A couple days ago Ethel's littlest one says to me, "Auntie, I love you." and I tell her I love her more. She replies, "I love you one hundred and fourteen pounds" and I say "Well that's exactly how much I weigh!" I think I actually heard Ethel snort from the kitchen while she tried to hold in the gaffaw... shoosh you evil woman!

Last weekend my two nieces, ages four and five, spent the night. This made six little ones in my house ranging in age from four to fourteen. One of the wee ones found an old bell in the toy box. At seven AM on Sunday it sounded like the Salvation Army had invaded. OIY was that obnoxious! Good thing they're adorably cute or I would have beaten someone with that darn bell!

My two youngest came to work with me last Friday since there was no school. This is one of the benefits of working for your parent's company... they let me bring the kids to crash on the couch if they're sick, or if there isn't any school for the day. During lunch they were in the kitchen eating soup I made while leaning over the garbage can. My mother asks them why they are leaning over the trash instead of sitting down at the table. TNT replies, "Cause we're Hobos and we found this soup in the garbage. Next we're gonna find CANDY!" oooohhh kaaaay.... that kid is a weird one. And what nine year old wants to make believe play at being a "hobo" anyway? Maybe we watched a little too much of the Occupy Wall Street news on the TV!

My youngest has a birthday on Thanksgiving day this year. She's decided we need ice cream cake. I better get on that! That poor kid needs a real party with some friends, and party games. Having her birthday on Thanksgiving makes it really hard because nobody can ever come. Maybe I should take her ice skating with a few friends the following week - that would be fun! Either way I have to come up with some way to celebrate her birthday with all the family there for Thanksgiving as well. Maybe I'll decorate up a little "birthday girl" table with streamers and some birthday balloons in the corner. Then I'll put her wrapped presents there and when everyone arrives we'll sing a little happy birthday and let her blow out the candle on her own personal ice cream cake. I'll make up some goodie bags for the kids and they can go off and play while we finish preparing dinner. I'm liking this plan.... oh ETHEL... HELP!

Are you proud of yourself?

2011-11-15T15:30:00.000-08:00

When vising with the GAL last week I was presented with this question. Stated very straight forwardly...

"Are you proud of yourself?"

For a moment there I just looked at Dr. Britt with what I can only assume was a bewildered look on my face. You see we were about 2/3 of the way through our two hour meeting and I had confessed through her probing questions about the terrible mistake I made getting and staying married to an emotionally abusive man. I had also been very honest about the affair I had two weeks before the X and I decided to get divorced. I had told her that after my X brought that gun to my house my children and I were essentially homeless, living off the generosity of my parents and Ethel's family.

My answer was, "No - I'm not proud of myself. Mostly I feel foolish, and weak. I know I didn't handle things the best way possible at the end of my marriage and my children and I all suffered horribly."

Dr. Britt cut me off there and said, "No, I mean... you SHOULD be proud of yourself. You survived something really terrible and traumatic, and you've come out at the end of all this doing really well for yourself. Your kids are, from everything I can gather, healthy and happy and well adjusted. You didn't let this define you or stop you. You went on with life and built something really good for yourself and your kids. So I ask you again.... Are you proud of yourself?"

And you know what... I AM! I AM PROUD OF MYSELF, MY FAMILY, MY KIDS, AND MY LIFE! Wheww...you know it feels pretty damn amazing to say that out loud. I don't think I've ever done that before.

Long Time No Post, GAL Meeting, and Catch Up

2011-11-14T17:01:00.000-08:00

I think I was hiding for a little while there. I've been a bit more stressed out than normal and I kind of crawled into a little hole and hid for a week or two. Buuuuuut.... I'm back and feeling all ~~chipper~~ not entirely insane so I figured I would blog a little and work out some of the random crap floating around in my semi full noggin.

I do have to confess that I injured poor Ethel. Last Monday I slammed the car door on her hand and busted open her finger. It bleed EVERYWHERE. I have no idea why she puts up with me, I swear. Poor girl! Go ahead, I deserve a small amount of verbal flogging for being a klutz!

Also last week I met with our GAL - I shall call her Dr. Britt. Not because she's British mind you, but because it sort of relates to her name and she is a Dr of the PhD variety...and I just kinda dig it. So Dr. Britt and I get together via phone the final week in October. I had sent in 1/2 of the required payment to her and hadn't heard anything, so I called and introduced myself. We had a short, but pleasant conversation and she forwarded some paperwork onto me by email. I filled in out within 24 hours and emailed it back to her. I followed up a few days later with an email letting her know when to expect the final half of the payment. Shortly there after my X's evil lawyer calls and accuses me of standing in the way of the reunification process and actually said, "My client has behaved PERFECTLY and your client is obstructing his attempts at establishing visitation by refusing to work with the GAL. She better get into compliance immediately or... insert random scary legal threats here" So my lawyer contacted Dr. Britt and asked if I had been in contact and where we were in the process. Dr. Britt replied via email that at that time I was the only one she had heard from, I was the only one who had completed my parenting worksheet, and I was the only one who had paid. SO SUCK THAT YOU "PERFECTLY BEHAVED" JACK WAGON! grrrr... sorry for the anger there, but jeez I hate being accused of standing in the way or being somehow responsible for his failures. I don't need to stand in his way - he does a good enough job of screwing up on all his crazy own!

Well last week it was time for our face-to-face meeting. It was nice to hear before hand that Dr. Britt realized this wasn't about me at all, and that interviewing me and meeting with the kids was just a formality - and that her primary job is to establish what my X's mental condition is currently and what kind of therapy, DV treatment, and possible parenting classes he will have to submit to prior to establishing some kind of reunification plan and monitored visitation set up. So we met for two hours and discussed my history with my ex, our current living situation and how the kids are doing. We talked a bit about my plans for the future, and what I would need to see from the X in order to feel safe. It was a really good meeting. It felt amazing to hear her say that she thinks I'm a good mom, and that I'm doing a good job.

Lots of stuff going on this week as well. I'm heading to court on Thursday to try and get the kid's Restraining Order renewed against the X. He is, of course, fighting it - so there have been legal shenanigans a plenty from his camp. That's a whole post all on it's own. The amount of absolute bull crap being flung over the fence from Capt. Crazy and his team of Legal Hooligans is freaking amazing. Blatant, and bold lies even when we've presented the court with proof otherwise - and he clings to those crazy stories for all he's worth. It's just laughable to some extent - but scary too. I think he actually believes his own lies. He's convinced himself really and truly that he's some kind of victim of the system and an evil ex wife who masterfully has manipulated police, judges, lawyers, therapists, and the family court system to screw him over. None of this guarantees that I'll get my motion passed and get a 3rd restraining order though - so I'm trying not to focus on the "what if" scenarios too much or I'll devolve into a blubbering pile of anxiety and stress.

This week is also my birthday. I'm somewhere past 35 now and not yet 40. It's pretty hideous actually, and I plan on ignoring the day as much as possible. Although my wonderful parents did bless me with the gift of a shiny new 12 quart, restaurant quality stock pot. I'm stoked to make some home made chili or maybe chicken and dumplings for everyone soon!

Also this week are four parent/teacher conferences, and lots of kid "stuff" going on. I think I need a vacation people!

Thankful

2011-11-01T11:51:00.001-07:00

Today I am thankful for my family who always makes me laugh.

As they are my family, I realize that tomorrow I may not feel this way! So for today I'll live in this moment . :)

Thank God I Have a Job!

2011-10-28T16:06:00.000-07:00

I'm not only coming from an economical standpoint either. Of course in this economy most people who have a job are thankful for it... This is about how much I enjoy coming to work. I realize that I was blessed with the opportunity to stay home with my four kids for 12 years, but I thank God on a regular basis that I have a job now. I love the schedule. I love the responsibility. I love the security of earning my own pay check. I love getting to spend time with grown up people. Working with my family is fun!

The last couple years I was home I used to joke with Ethel that I was going to light my hair on fire and run up and down my road just for something new to do. Your house can only get so clean... you can only attend so many PTA functions.   You can only watch so much home decorating television. At least that was the case for me. I loved the time I could spend with my kids - hell it was even worth being married to that ass of an X I had to dedicate those years to my kids. And I'll be honest, I really do feel like I was good at it.

I managed a large house hold pretty damn well. I participated in my kid's schools, and we had a lot of fun!

However I'll can't see myself ever willingly going back to being a stay at home mom. Even if BLT and I got married and he earned the kind of money that made it possible. I don't want to be financially dependant on anyone ever again. I don't want to give up the social interaction, the mental stimulation, and the pleasant routine that going to work each day provides.

It's a balancing act of course. Learning to work full time and keep my house up to the standards I'm comfortable with was a learning experience. But in a good way I think.   Moving to the tiny town we live in certainly has helped. There aren't a lot of the distractions available to us that some people probably deal with.   We cook our meals at home because it's less expensive, but also because we have extremely limited options near us. We use Netflix and watch movies together at home, we walk to the library, or the store, or to friends houses because we have that option and we enjoy spending time together. All that time at home means we make doing chores a routine.

It's about priorities too. I want a career AND a nice house to live in, and I feel like I've gotten that for myself. I feel really settled and blessed in that regard. Life is good.   You can't ask for much more than that!

Okay... I regularly ask for a tree to fall on my X... but other than THAT I have what I need!

God I can be a judgemental ass sometimes

2011-10-27T19:29:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make. I can really be a judgemental jackass sometimes. I don't mean to, and when I catch myself doing it I try to step back and look at my judgements/assumptions/feelings more critically and kindly. Sometimes I fail though... it's a flaw I'm working on.

Case in point. TNT has made a friend I'll call Baby. Baby and her younger sister seem quite nice, very pleasant kids and they've been over before for play dates. TNT and Monkey Pants have been to their house for play dates. I've met Baby's mom on several occasions- and here the judgemental part of me rears it's ugly head.

See Baby's mom has facial piercings, crazy, perpetually disheveled hair, and neck tattoos. I have no moral objection to any of these things - but I admit the pierced tongue, eyebrow, and lip really creep me out, I just REALLY dislike facial piercings. *shudder* The whole package just screams to me, "I MAKE BAD CHOICES!" Baby's mom is very pleasant though.... she seems friendly and is kind to my kids. But she gives off haphazard party girl vibe that makes me leery....

Last time I dropped her girls off at her house there was a big ol' Vodka bottle propping up the garage door. Okay....my first thought... "lush". Not nice, I know I know. I backtracked and had a little talking to with myself, "hey listen, I have no idea how long they had that bottle, if it was a gift, or from a big celebration. Don't be so quick to judge. I have no proof she drinks too much!"

On another occasion TNT was invited to stay for dinner, and when I picked her up she mentioned casually that they had noodles. "oh Spaghetti, or Lasagna or something like that?" I ask. "No, just noodles and salt, sometimes at the end of the month they don't have much food in their house." Certainly not a crime, we struggle here too, to be honest, and frequently we resort to inexpensive dinners once a week of scrambled eggs and toast, or soup and biscuits. But the last time I was over there they had a brand new flat screen TV on the wall... do you hear the judgemental voice I'm trying to control? I really am trying. It's not my business how they spend their money, but Vodka and TV's seem odd choices if you're eating plain noodles - know what I mean?

So I've promised myself that I'm going to continue to be polite, and the kids like each other so there is no reason why they can't play together. However if money is that tight I can't let my kids eat over at her house.... they need to use their resources for their own three kids. That's only fair and right. I won't make a big deal about it, I'll just make sure if she's invited that we have something else we have to do. That way nobody has any hurt feelings.

In an effort to help out a little I am taking a winter coat over that my 12 year old out grew. It's too big for TNT, and Baby is much taller and broader - so while it's going to be a size or two too big I think she'll be able to use it. It's a very good quality coat.

I am going to refuse to let my inner cynic convince me that there is something wrong here unless or until I have all the facts. I mean, I know I'm making judgements based on appearances, and on only having a small amount of interaction with this family. That's growth right? Being aware of my own short coming and acting differently?

Growth... I'm working on it....

Protests, Pre-teens, and Permission Slips

2011-10-26T23:28:00.000-07:00

Just a few random thoughts for today...

1. I don't really have a desire to discuss politics here, but I will share that after Therapy on Tuesday night Chef and I passed three lonely little Protesters outside a tiny branch of US Bank in a residential neighborhood. One was clearly drunk, one was looking bored, and one was yelling angry Anti-Wall Street rhetoric. My 14 year old asks why they were there. We had a brief discussion about the issues at hand and protesting in general. Chef, in the very matter of fact way she sees the world says, "So somehow drinking in front of a closed bank at nine o'clock at night is going to get you a job? What is wrong with people... go home... Oh, and why was his sign so ugly? I mean, he obviously has time on his hands. Couldn't he make a nicer sign?"

I guess when you're 14 the aesthetics of your message are as important as the message itself, *giggle* and she does have a bit of a point. Manning a protest of three (well really 2 and a half since the one dude was so obviously more interested in whatever was in the brown paper bottle he was swiggin' than the injustices of the world) outside a teeny tiny bank in the middle of nowhere isn't going to accomplish much.

2. I got a call at work today. It was a cacophony of screaming and squealing. See... Thing 1 had hidden a book from Thing 2. Thing 2 wanted said book, as well as to raid Thing 1's herb supply. Why? Well obviously is was because Thing 2 intended to perform some kind of magical spell... ??.... confused? Yes I was too. Thing 1 apparently tackled Thing 2 during the whole bizarre exchange and embarrassed Thing 2 in front of a friend.

My answer... "Are you on fire? No... okay. Are you being abducted? No... well that's good. Now go do your homework. Stay out of the freaking Oregano, clean your room, and when that's done you can log onto Netflix and find some movie with teen aged vampires sucking on each other. Don't call me back unless it's an actual emergency. LOOOOOVE YOU!!!"

3. Can someone explain to me why my four kids wait until I'm leaving for work to all bombard me with papers to sign? I ask the night before. I swear I do, and nobody needs me for anything. But by the light of day - and at the point that my car is started and I've got one foot out the door - suddenly everyone need a permission slip to go to the petting zoo, their reading log signed, or a note to excuse them from swimming because my teen aged daughter is under the impression that tampons are the work of the devil.

Some days I just wonder if I'm the only one with a life like this....

Just one more time?

2011-10-22T21:28:00.001-07:00

No... Yes... NO... YES... *sigh*

I have a horrible case of baby fever. I know that I won't have any more kids, but I swear my ovaries quiver every time a friend shows off their newest baby dressed like a Lima bean or a sock monkey for Halloween.

Just passing the layette section in Target makes me all wistful. I've played the "What would BLT and my baby look like?" game in my head. I ask myself, what would it be like to have the father if my newborn actually want to hold their child, or bathe their baby...or just be there in the delivery room and not be a useless sack of distraction?

It doesn't help that a friend just announced she's pregnant. I thought my social group had passed the age of baby showers and birth stories, but here two of my friends are expecting and another two have children under the age if one.

Inside my head I hear a voice say; "See I'm not too old. 37 year olds have babies all the time!"

Then I hear; "Jackass, you're not married, you're broke, you have 5 kids between the two of you to raise, you're broke, you have a psychotic ex husband trying to take your kids, you work 50+ hours a week to support yourself, you are too old, and did I mention....YOU ARE BROKE!"

So I accept all over again that my baby days are done. No more tiny fingers wrapped around my pinky, no more nursing baby at my breast, no more tiny cloth diapers.

Then some excited friend shows off their newest set of Little Timmy Learned To Eat His Toes photos... I swear to god I'm going to have to close down my Facebook account until this passes.

Getting out of my own head.

2011-10-20T20:21:00.001-07:00

I saw a quote today that said something about not being able to move onto the next chapter in your life if you are constantly re-reading the previous chapter. It was worded all eloquently of course, and I just butchered it I'm sure, but you get the idea.

This really spoke to me today. I'm dealing with more legal issues relating to my X, the GAL contacted me and I'm finishing up some parenting questionnaires, and I had to give a fairly detailed listing of the ways I believe I was abused during my 14 Year marriage.

There's nothing like seeing all the ways you've been treated like crap (in chronological order no less so you can ask yourself over and over, "why the hell didn't I leave then? Or then? Or THEN?" to really make a girl feel good about herself. The result of dredging up all these bad memories was a massive, midnight panic attack.

I was in that sleepy place in between being asleep and fully awake. I must have been dreaming or remembering the really bad times because suddenly I couldn't breath... I shot up and was gasping for breath and shaking all over.

I had so much adrenaline rushing through me I felt like my skin was crawling. Poor BLT was rudely woken from a sound sleep as well with all my gasping and thrashing around.

I need to find a way out of this mess inside my head. It's not fair to BLT or the kids for me to waste all this energy on an abusive POS like my X. I owe myself better than this ugliness I can't shake, and I know I've worked too hard to let him have this kind of control and influence on me. I know all this... So why am I stuck in this "chapter"?

I honestly think its because I keep getting drug back to that time when things were so bad by all these legal manipulations on the part of my X. It's not bad enough to be victimized once, you have to keep reliving the worst night of your life over and over. Every statement to the police, the lawyers, each court declaration and to the GAL. Each time I have to renew our restraining orders and justify why I am still afraid of him, or meet with a therapist, and even the questions from curious friends and family feels like you're picking at a barely healed scab.

I guess I will have to be more patient. I think I'm going to have to keep fighting through all this anxiety until we are done with some of the legal fallout. I need to focus on the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel... All of this has to wind down at some point right?

Too Heavy to Carry, Too Heavy to Put Down...

2011-10-10T09:33:00.001-07:00

I'm really struggling right now. I'm exhausted emotionally, financially depleted, and sick with worry and anxiety.

My lawyer sent a letter on Friday stating that she will drop my case if I don't get $7800.00 to her by the end of the month. Where am I supposed to get that kind of cash?

My X has made it clear that he intends to litigate to the fullest extent possible - he doesn't care if it screws over the kids, just as long as I suffer in the process. My current council does not want to keep accepting small payments, she wants payment in full for past services and an additional 2K as a new retainer.

If I loose legal representation I'll get screwed royally in court. His dirty lawyer has tried so many sneaky, shady maneuvers that my lawyer caught and deflected. Things I would have no idea how to handle. I can't face them alone in court and my X is determined to get out of Child Support and gain custody of my kids.

I can't sleep, haven't eaten much since Friday, and I have constant nausea. Ethel summed it up perfectly; "your burden is too heavy to carry, and too heavy to put down".

This is my kid's safety at stake... My financial future is already destroyed. The only thing I'll fight with him over are my children and I'm goin' down swingin'!!

I like me

2011-10-08T20:12:00.001-07:00

For the most part I like myself... Not all my physical "parts" so much, but who I am as a whole.

I really like my nails though... They grow so nicely! Don't they look purdy?

I'll just have to keep working on accepting the rest of me.

Whore-a-Ween Strikes Again!

2011-10-08T16:31:00.000-07:00

I both love and hate this time of year. Halloween is my favorite holiday, but the older my kids get the more stressful it is to shop for Halloween costumes.

The girls costumes that will fit my kids are... hmmm... shall we say it bluntly? WHOREISH! For the love of God people, we live in the Pacific Northwest. In October it's freaking cold as a well digger's ass. Not to mention I simply refuse to send my kids out dressed as: Sexy Kitty, Sexy Witch, Naughty Nurse... or the generic slut costume du jour "Miss Behavin'" *gag*

It's always a fight. The girls see something that appeals to them and I get to be the bad guy. Especially with Lady Bug. That girl is sweet, and I adore her, but her tact and taste level are still in the development stage if you get what I'm saying?!

When did Halloween become about wearing plunging necklines and micro mini skirts with fish net hosiery? And why the hell does every single costume come with fish net pantyhose anyway? What about "Angel", "Cheerleader", "Ghost", or "Fairy" dictates hooker-esque leg wear?

YIKES... this momma can't take much more.... I'm getting some sheets and they all get to be Casper the Friendly Ghost whether they like it or not! Anyone got a spare Burkah or two they want to loan me?

Girl Time

2011-10-07T14:22:00.000-07:00

Good lordy did I need some grown up time. With the help of some baby oil, a crow bar, and a prayer I wedged my ass into some leather pants and my cute red heels. I was feeling pretty damn good about myself actually.

I had such a great time with my girl friends. We hit a piano bar where the drinks and food were good...but the piano player/comedian act was not so hot. He's one of those older guys who isn't witty, isn't handsome, and isn't overly clever. He tried too hard. Plus - I just don't dig Neil Diamond. BLECH!

We left there and decided to partake of the fun at a local casino. Plenty of restaurants, dancing without any cover charge, several bars, a sweets shop, and some slot machines. All in all fun was ours for the taking!

That is of course until I got home all hot and sweaty from dancing and had to try and peel those pants off.... lol... not to mention the little blisters on my toes from my dancin' shoes! Ouch... but totally worth it :)

Living in the 1 %

2011-10-06T14:01:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my mom today and she said, "Ever since X brought that gun to your house you live in the one percent." I had to think about it for a minute, but she's right. I go through life now expecting the rare, the unforeseen, the weird accidental mishap.

A situation recently came up where a friend was trying to work out what do with their kiddo(s) while they went out on a late date. The original idea was to leave the teen home alone. Most likely everything would be just fine. Realistically I understand this. However I started to worry. Then my mind went to all the "what ifs" that could happen. And being me, I had to say something. I just couldn't let it go.

What if there was a fire, not even at their place... but next door?
What if she had to be evacuated for a gas leak, or some other area disaster?
What if the dog got out and the kiddo had to try and chase her down when it was dark and a busy body neighbor saw, and then called the police to complain?
What if there was a prowler or someone decided to mess with the vehicle left there?
What if, after the fact the kid was sort of bragging to friends about getting to be home alone and a concerned parent decides to pass judgement and make trouble? Or if the child says something in ear shot of a teacher who does the same?

Two years ago I lived in the 99%... I always thought these things happen to other people. I never had encountered any kind of significant violence at the hands of someone I trusted. I hadn't ever really been surprised by someones choices and behavior. Then my estranged husband brought a gun to my house. He did something I would have never expected.

My mother, Ethel, and my sister in law were all telling me to get a restraining order. I heard, "most likely nothing will ever happen, but you need to be safe and cautious. You need to take care of yourself." I didn't listen.

The 1% chance that my X would lose it came to pass. And now, as a result, I find myself living in that one percent. I find myself going to worse case scenario. If I have a quarter of a tank of gas and I run into traffic I start to feel all panicked and convince myself that I'll run out of gas out of cell phone range.

If the dog throws up I start thinking it's going into liver failure. If I smell smoke I think fire... never burned popcorn....I understand why, I just don't know how to deal with it. I'm not proud of it. It's certainly not something I enjoy.

I see a self help book in my future...

Waiting for a call

2011-10-05T16:01:00.000-07:00

I'm just sitting here waiting to hear from the Guardian Ad Lidem for my kids. Two weeks ago she sent my lawyer an email stating that she would contact me by email.

A week after that I had not heard from her, so I mailed in the first 1/2 of my payment due to her, and I included all my contact information, and thanked her for accepting our case.

It been another full week and as of yet I've not spoken to her. I know that she has all my contact information, and I imagine that when she wants to speak with me I'll hear from her. I don't want to seem anxious or pushy so I don't call. I don't want to appear as though I'm hiding something either - so I worry about not calling.

I am just not a patient person. This whole thing is making me nuts. I want a resolution, or at the very least a plan to work towards a resolution. It's been over two years of waiting to see what the X will do. I'm out of patience. I'm out of money. I'm out of energy to deal with all this crap anymore, and most of all - I'm tired of my own story.

Does that make any sense?

Gettin' Sweaty

2011-09-30T21:07:00.000-07:00

I really need to focus more on my health and exercise habits. I've gone back to Weight Watchers and I'm counting my points. I'm only drinking one soda a day... that darn Diet Coke is my one big vice. I don't smoke, I rarely drink alcohol, I don't hook up with random men for anonymous sex... lol... I pretty much have Diet Coke. I do realize however that it's terrible for me and my budget so I'm trying to cut down.

On Tuesday I jogged just under 2 miles on the treadmill in 22 minutes, at lunch. On Wednesday I walked 2.29 miles in about 30 minutes before heading home to make dinner.

So far, so good.

I might even get brave next week and replace the battery in my old bathroom scale. I'm kind of afraid to find out how fat I've gotten.

Happy Birthday Chef!

2011-09-29T15:49:00.000-07:00

Chef turns 14 today! I don't allow my kids to read my blog, so Chef doesn't realize I'm on here sending Happy Birthday Wishes out to the blogisphere... but I am anyway.

Chef changed my world. Becoming a mother for the first time was the singularly most amazing and scary experience of my life. I love the person that she's become. She has taught me patience and softness in ways only a child can. She was the first person in my life who really needed me and who was totally dependant on me.

Happy Birthday baby... I'm a better person since I became your Mom.

Capt. Coo-Ka-Loo strikes again!

2011-09-28T20:49:00.000-07:00

Today BLT said, "Well it appears that X is going to behave himself. Maybe the worst is behind us." Why oh why didn't we knock on wood, toss salt over a shoulder... something to negate the joo joo we just unleashed?

It wasn't more than an hour later that I got a call from my daycare provider. It appears that X was upset by the bill he received for his half of the child care.

Somehow in the La La Land that X operates in he's decided that he should only pay 285.00 per month for two kids. No idea where he pulled that number out of, but he decided that's his fair share and everyone else should just go along with it. His half of the bill for October is 315.00... yes folks, he's harassing someone over 30.00, what the hell is wrong with him?

So instead of being rational and mature he starts to fixate... then he starts to call. Between the hours of 8 and 11:40 he called 7 times. Who does that? He creeped out the poor girls at the center, and I feel terrible that my provider is feeling harassed.

He didn't get the answer he wanted from the first two people he spoke with so he proceeded to call five more times and just hang up when the owner wasn't the one who answered. They did the *69 thing, so they know it was him. Once the owner was available to call him back he makes vague references to having his lawyer deal with the "Icky Sticky Legal Issues" as he called them. What is there to deal with? You owe half - no matter how much it is. Suck it up, and send the poor woman her payment.

The other issue at hand is the fact that on two occasions the provider has informed him that she does not want to deal with him directly. She told him once, and sent him a letter informing him that she chooses to only deal with him via email. So he really does need to leave this poor woman alone.

For the love of baby Jesus... he can't even exhibit a little bit of self control when he knows that the GAL and therapists have his behavior under scrutiny. Why can't he just behave himself?

Oh ya... because he's a freakin' whack job! Part man child, part deranged felon... that's right....

Wanted:

2011-09-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

Wanted:

One good man for my dear friend Ethel.

The appropriate applicant will be moderately handsome in a rugged way. No pretty boys need apply. (Why moderately handsome? Because you can't be so hound dog homely her girly bits dry up at the sight of you, and not so drop dead gorgeous that you think your God's gift to vaginas everywhere)

He will also be honest, funny but not at the expense of others and not in any way that could be showcased on the TV show "Jack Ass". This applicant will be gainfully employed, not living with his parents unless they are elderly and/or handicapped; because the former is creepy but the latter is sweet... understand the difference? Good! He will know how to balance a check book, cook an edible meal, and understands the reason for separating the colors from the whites when doing laundry.

Mr. Perfect must have an appreciation for a lush female form. He must worship her petite "plush-ness" and love her just the way she is - and yet enjoy various recreational activities which will encourage her to maintain her path towards optimal health and happiness.

If you are between the ages of 32 - 45 and meet the above qualifications please apply in person with Lucy. Gifts of chocolate and James Rollin's novels great appreciated, and flattery will get you everywhere. Please provide proof of employment and a clean STD panel from your doctor.

No cross dressers, liars, nail biters, drug addicts, or anyone who knows all the words to any Counting Crows song need apply.

Lucy Left Alone...2.0

2011-09-23T05:04:00.000-07:00

It seems as though it's my lot in life to have partners who travel. Now BLT being away feels totally different than when my X traveled for work - but still, I feel a tad jealous to be honest.

On the outside I'm supportive. I listen to the stories about the restaurants enjoyed, or the schmoozing and the night life activities that come along with business conventions, but deep down I want to shout, "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR FIVE COURSE GOURMET MEAL.... I MADE GRILLED CHEESE AND SOUP - AGAIN! YOU WENT TO A CONCERT AND A BALL GAME. I SPENT FRIDAY NIGHT PICKING GUM OUT OF A 6 YEAR OLD'S HAIR!"

Does that make me a bad person? I hope not, I know it sounds petty so I bite my tongue, smile, nod, and listen.

When I was married my X traveled Monday - Friday, came home long enough to do his laundry, complain about things I hadn't managed to get done while I was raising the children essentially alone, nag at me about our non-existent sex life, ignore us for awhile and play World of Warcraft, and then repack his clean skivvies and take off for another round of meetings and expensive hotels. I can't remember a single time he ever called to check in on us. He just assumed I had everything under control - and for the most part I did. It burned me though to hear him describe how exhausting his job was, and how horrible it was to be away from home so much. What a freaking phony!

I know it's not all glamorous. I know that it's exhausting sometimes having to be on your A-Game when you're not sleeping well, or you're traveling while not feeling great. And I know, at least for BLT he does genuinely miss the kids and I when he's away. But even knowing all that I would love, just once to trade places. I would love to only be responsible for dressing myself for a week. I would like to be the one in the hotel room with clean sheets, a never ending supply of hot water for the shower, and a newspaper at the door each morning. I would like to be the one ordering meals in restaurants instead of cooking. I would like to be the one who has an excuse to dress in something nicer than my ratty jeans and bleached out David Bowie concert tee. I want someone else to stay home alone with the kids - to go to work all day long, come home at night and make dinner, help with homework, referee arguments, play taxi driver, get everything ready for the next day and then be there to listen to my funny stories about the people I met or the places I ate at.

BLT will be home from another trip in about four hours... and of course I'm looking forward to his return. I miss him very much when he's away - something totally new for me. When my X traveled it was more of a relief. Our marriage was in the toilet and when he was around it was even more stressful. So I'll do my hair, put on a clean shirt, dig the graphite and grime out from under my nails and get my game face on...

I ordered invitations!

2011-09-22T11:49:00.000-07:00

I'm just doing a little happy dance here. I was able to go to Mixbook.com and order my wedding invitations, save-the-date cards, and RSVP cards. I designed them myself, and I'll get them printed and shipped to me including the envelopes all for less than a hundred bucks! With my squeaky tight wedding budget it's a huge weight off my shoulders to have these come under budget. (It's the only thing so far that hasn't cost me more than I planned for, lol!)

They aren't fancy, or multi-layered, or printed on ritzy paper... but none of the people I love enough to invite to my wedding will care. It's a small ceremony, and the Historic Inn we're getting married at only holds 50 people. We are only inviting our nearest and dearest loved ones to celebrate our special day with us.

I'm pretty excited to get my hands on them and see them in person!

Smithsonian Magazine Free Museum Day

2011-09-21T14:51:00.000-07:00

Ohh... hurry, hurry... click on this link right now and get your FREE tickets for 2 for your local Smithsonian Magazine museum. Put in your zip code or state and it will give you a list of participating Museums in your area. Both my local Art Museum and the Museum of Glass I've been dying to visit are accepting these tickets!

Saturday, September 24th you can get into one of your local museums for free, art, science and children museums included!

BLT is out of town and doesn't know that we have a date on Saturday!

An old man smell...

2011-09-20T16:51:00.000-07:00

As we are leaving the in laws house on Sunday Lady Bug and I both step in dog pooh... lovely...

Of course I'm several blocks down the road before we are all gagging and checking our shoes. We find the culprits and get the shoes scrapped off in the grass, but the smell lingered and was HORRID.

My oldest says, "Mom, your car smells like crap" over and over - making really dramatic gagging noises and faces. Unable to take any more I pull over at a little pharmacy run in. I grab the first air freshener I lay my hands on.

It was a black and yellow hibiscus flower and it was called, "Midnight Oasis" or something like that. In case you were wondering - Midnight Oasis smells like funky old man's cologne.

It only took two or three minutes before the oldest pipes up from the backseat again; "Great... now your car smells like an old guy crapped his pants."

This time the gagging and faces were being made by myself. *Sigh...*

Thanks kid....

Cause I'm cool like that

2011-09-12T14:26:00.000-07:00

Groupon had a deal for beer tasting. BLT and I really don't indulge in too many date nights or extras in regards to entertainment - not with five kids to support! So I knew that this would be right up his alley.

I decided to go for it since it's only 15.00.

For our next date night we'll be going to a local brewery where we will each get to sample five different beers, share an order of pomme fritte or nachos, take home two "collector" pilsner glasses and a 22 oz custom brewed bottle of their ale.

Now I'll be honest, I don't like too many types of beer. I really enjoy a nice light beer with a citrus kick to it - like Blue Moon. Otherwise I'm not a huge fan. BLT on the other hand digs himself a good beer... dark, amber, pale, import... he appreciates them all. So I knew he would really love this. I figure he can drink the samples I don't like and and I'll drive home! Win-Win!

Cause that's the cool kinda Fiance' that I am! Date night baby... bring it on!

Now that's just F-U-N-N-Y

2011-09-11T13:17:00.000-07:00

My mother placed an online order with Walmart for Equate Stop Smoking Lozenges.

What showed up was Extenze Male Enhancement pills.

My dad opened the package for her and gave her the "stink eye" as he asked what the hell she ordered THAT for?!

My mom and I had to pick ourselves up off the floor we were laughing so hard.

My poor dad... no sympathy at all from us... Hehe.

My mom sends an email to Walmart Customer Service that says:

In regards to the order I recently placed: I ordered Equate Stop Smoking Lozenges. What I received today was Extenze Male Enhancement Pills. While I'm sure this will help certain cravings - these pills will not, in fact, curb what ails me. As a 55 year old woman I don't believe I have a need for this item. Can you please help me return this erroneous shipment?

HAHAHAHAHA... again, I laughed hard enough to nearly pee. Oh lordy sometimes life is just FUNNY!

Do you see what I see?

2011-09-10T11:00:00.000-07:00

I think it's funny that BLT doesn't realize how yummy he is. I tell him all the time and he always says, "thank God you think so baby" with a little chuckle.

I mean really? He doesn't know? Or maybe he's just being modest? Everything about him turns me on. From the way he looks to the timber of his voice. Our conversation, his sense of humor, oh, and that tasty tat on his bicept *swoon*.

I just dig him...

FALLing in Love!

2011-09-09T13:37:00.000-07:00

Oh it's my favorite time of the year! I love everything about Autumn.

My birthday is this season, as are three of my four kids!

I love cold misty mornings, and clear afternoons. I love the colors - my favorite color is red, followed closely by yellow and chocolate brown so Ohh Laa Laa I adore Autumn themed decor. I have a vast collection of warm fuzzy sweaters I can't wait to dig out.

I love... love... and I repeat love snuggling on the couch on a rainy weekend day with my kids reading books and drinking hot apple cider. I have a vast number of fuzzy, warm, comfy, and hand made blankets - so there are plenty to go around!

I love the schedule that being back in school provides. I like hearing how excited they are at the end of the school day to sit around the dinner table and play the "1 thing that I learned today" game.

My all time favorite holiday is Halloween! Yes, I am the adult who wears a costume, and I decorate my whole house up! I love everything about handing out treats and taking pictures of the kids in costume. I love the spooky movies on t.v. - but more the cute, cheesy, or just slightly spooky ones. I hate slasher films... yuck!

I love planting mums by my front door, and taking walks in the rain around my little town.

I wait all year long for the Fair to come to town. We have one of the countries top ten largest (I think we're number 3) state fairs. It's all about the food, the rides, the shows, the people watching. The crafts and the animal exhibits. I like the games you can never win, and the face painting. I love the vendors and the live music! I like to go twice - once with the kids to focus on the rides and all the fun stuff they like to do, and then once - as a date night to soak in the unique food, the vendors, and see the fairgrounds bathed in the neon glow of twinkling lights.

Then there is the baking and Thanksgiving... two more fantastic reasons to love Autumn. Really I can't think of a single bad thing. Sure there is rain - but I live in the Pacific Northwest.... there's always rain! Sure it gets dark outside sooner, that's just one more reason to stay inside with the kids and play card games! Sure it's starting to get cold outside, but that just means more cute sweaters and boots!

So what's your favorite season? Or your favorite part of Autumn? Anyone else out there just dying to rake leaves, or am I the only crazy one?

The Definition of Crazy

2011-09-08T14:34:00.000-07:00

I read a quote somewhere about how the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

If that's true then my X is CRRRRAAAAZZZZY. Oh yes, most certainly bonkers, nuts, whacked, psycho, fruity.... pick your favorite term.

He can't seem to figure out that not doing what the judge requires of you doesn't impress anyone. He can't seem to get it through his thick skull that the only person he's screwing over is himself. He spends all his time trying to find new ways to avoid having a mental evaluation by the GAL, and to cost me more money at the same time, and he's spent zero time doing the things required of him to see the kids.

So what's the real priority here? I think it's plain to see that it's not reconnecting with your children. It's all about punishing me in whatever way you can, and in general avoiding all responsibility while continuing to play the victim.

Good lord.... it's been over twice as long as the judge allowed for the GAL to be appointed and he's still causing delays and refusing to abide by her ruling in regards to his mental evaluations. And he still seems to think that all these delays will some how ensure he looks better in the eyes of the court? Huh?

Today my lawyer sent another firmly worded letter, sort of a "pooh or get off the pot" offer to sign the papers as we all originally agreed to back in June, or we will see you back in court on September 22nd.

I have zero faith that he'll see the light and do what he's supposed to.... but I can pray for a miracle right?!

Back on the wagon

2011-09-07T15:41:00.000-07:00

I jumped off the healthy eating band wagon with abandon this summer. I over indulged, I declined to exercise... and the ol' pantaloons are T-I-G-H-T (and not in that oh sexy baby way either....)

So it's back to counting my points and getting regular exercise. The weather is beautiful and I have no excuse not to - especially with the wedding coming up this spring.

Yesterday I did really well. I stayed below my calorie count and I got in an 80 minute, moderate paced walk while chatting with Ethel on the phone.

So far today... well I cheated and ate two oatmeal cookies. BUT... I only had coffee for breakfast and I ate a moderate lunch so all is not lost. Tonight I'll get out there for another nice long walk after dinner. Oh speaking of dinner - we're having big green salads with spinach and egg, and yummy Greek yogurt dressing that's fairly low fat. So I'll chalk this day up to "pretty good" and move on!

Fraggle Time

2011-09-01T16:26:00.000-07:00

BLT went back home to visit his parents and spend time with Fraggle. While he was there he had a long talk with the grandparents about Fraggle coming to stay with us for an extended visit. He also made it clear that this was the first step towards her coming to live with us for good.

They were cooperative. They were receptive. They were actually really supportive! YAY!! We now have a plan. Forward momentum feels SO good! They love Fraggle to death, but they are in their 60's raising a 3 year old. It's exhausting!

BLT is starting school this month. He's going to be taking some networking and computer classes at night so that he can more easily play "I.T." nerd here at work and maintain our network and website for us. We won't be able to get down there for a visit for several months between school and trade shows.

In December BLT, all four of my girls and I will be going down to spend the week of Christmas with BLT's family. When we come back we will bring Fraggle with us for the entire month of January! We are all really excited!

In April Fraggle with have another extended visit with us after the wedding, and we will then decide the best way to transition her here with us full time at that point.

I'm so happy that we're going to all be a family together. Fraggle goes from being an only child to having four siblings. She goes from living in a fairly quiet, adult only home with her grandparents to a busy household of kids and dogs too! It's going to be a transition for everyone.... we know that. Five kids is a lot of work. But it's also a lot of love, a lot of support, and a lot of opportunity for growth for all of us.

Whew... I heard a quote once; "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all." That seems to apply here pretty damn well!

Funny Stuff

2011-08-31T14:13:00.000-07:00

* This past week I took the kids for some Hillbilly Redneck (aka free) fun down by the river. I tossed their life jackets on them and let them splash and play in the nice cold river near our house. Once we were walking home my little Monkey Pants looked at me and said; "I would kiss you mommy but I have River Lips!"

* There are two bulldogs at work. The younger of the two is shall we say "greeting" BLT with a nose right to the crotch. Charming. When he objects my oldest looks at BLT and says; "Hey she's just saying hello... now it's your turn. Be polite and sniff her butt!" I couldn't help it, I laughed out loud at BLT's horrified look. Yep, that's one classy kid I've got there!

* One of the fine men in my tiny town called me beautiful and offered to take me home last week. When he smiled both of his teeth looked nice. I was sure to send BLT a text message and let him know there was some competition for my affections. He asked me if this fine fellow was an "Urban Camper" lol... nope. Not homeless, just toothless. Yeppers, that's my demographic. The toothless single guys just love me.

* TNT's day care teacher is having a baby this Autumn. She told TNT that she wouldn't be back to work after the baby was born and TNT looked her right in the eye and said; "Great... and I was just starting to like you too!" ZOINKS.... guess we better work on that verbal filter.

What's His Motivation?

2011-08-30T14:51:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about what my X's motivation is for the things that he does, and more so lately for the things that he doesn't do.

The family court judge told my X that he was supposed to write letters to the kids for 60 days. The goal of these letters (PLURAL) was to reintroduce himself to the children in a non threatening way, and to establish some level of communication. He sent one letter.

The judge said that a GAL (Guardian Ad Lidem) was to be agreed upon and hired within 30 days, or the first available GAL who met specific criteria was to be hired. It's been over 2 months and my X is still stalling, and arguing over who that GAL will be. He is refusing to work with the GAL appointed by the court. He presented the option of a male GAL which just won't work. We present option 2 and he claims she's too expensive.... the man who hasn't had to pay a dime in child support in two years, who's legal bills are all paid for by his mommy, who lived with said Drama Momma once he got out of jail, and who's debts were cleared for him while he sat in jail so he could start fresh upon his release... ya, that guy is now complaining about having to pay half of the GAL fee.

I'm responsible for paying the other half. And raising the kids. And paying for my therapy for what he did to us. I'm the one drowning in debt and fielding calls from collection agents looking for money for the debts dumped in my lap by both the divorce and his incarceration. Do you see me playing games with the GAL? No. Just the poor "victim" of an Ex-Husband I'm stuck with.

He says he wants to see his children. He writes long weepy declarations to the court about how his children have been poisoned against him, and how he's harassed by my family and by myself. He wears this mantle of victimization proudly and whines incessantly that he's financially strapped.

Why?

I don't understand what he's trying to achieve. If it was actually to see his kids wouldn't he be writing the letters, getting the court required therapy, and working like hell to get the GAL appointed?

If he was trying to save money wouldn't he avoid going back and forth to family court and dragging this out?

If he was trying to punish me wouldn't he realize that being in my life and in the kids life is the true punishment? That by dragging this out we're all actually HAPPIER because we don't have to deal with him directly?

I hate not understanding what his goal is. I don't know how to anticipate his next move. I can't prepare myself or my kids for whats to come, because I don't have any clue what he's trying to accomplish... and that makes me anxious.

Trying to understand the inner workings of a crazy man's mind is surely going to make me crazy too!

Being Lonely Is Not the Same As Being Alone

2011-08-29T15:51:00.000-07:00

I get these peppy little messages from the "Universe" sent to my email every morning. Just little blurbs to remind me to be thankful, to have faith in the greater good of people, or to believe in myself. Positive affirmations I guess you could call them.

Well today's email contained a simple message that struck me quite deeply. Just because one feels lonely does not mean that they are in fact alone.

I had an Ah Ha moment. One of the things my darling Ethel has been struggling with is loneliness, and the fear that she won't find someone to love her just the way that she is. She is feeling lonely.... but all that means.... are you listening dear heart? Yes YOU... the little blond one there with the funky vintage bracelet and the semi retarded Labrador...

I means that you're not paying attention to the people around you. Your loneliness comes from a place of fear. It means that you're not taking advantage of all the people who love you, and support you. You're not enjoying the company and companionship of the people in your life who enjoy YOU and want to participate in your life. Just the way you are. Every quirk, every self imagined "flaw", every strength (and there are many) and every beautiful thing that make you Ethel.

Because once you do... once you truly embrace all the love, friendship, compassion, and enjoyment of the people who choose to be in your life I can't imagine you'll have time for loneliness. And once you've opened up your heart and fully accepted how amazing you are then love - TRUE, REAL, LASTING LOVE can also enter your world.

Because really - until we love ourselves we aren't open to the love of someone else. Until we know that we are worthy we don't command the kind of respect and affection we deserve.

It's easy to say.... and harder to do. I know that. But try and be kind and patient with yourself, and if you are feeling lonely remember to look around. There are quite a few of us who love you and want to spend time with you.

Watching your parents get older

2011-08-24T13:20:00.000-07:00

It's hard to watch your parents age. I recently found a photograph of my parents from about 11 years ago. My mom looks trim and her hair is solid black. My dad is smiling, and he has my daughter on his shoulders.

My dad is living with Lupus. Every day is a battle. His kidney's don't work efficiently so his hands and feet get enormously swollen. His face and tongue have areas of numbness. He has to drink with a straw, and he won't eat in front of other people. He recently went to his 40th year reunion and he was too embarrassed to have dinner at the restaurant with everyone else. He waited and ate alone in his hotel room after the event. It makes me sad to know he's self conscious. It's hard to know he's in physical pain a lot.

My dad is a good man. He's a hard working man. Even with all of his health problems he works at our business six days a week to help ensure a good future for the kids and I. He is acutely aware that one day I'll take over the business and that my ability to take care of my children is all wrapped up in the success of our business.

My mother is also struggling with severe health problems of her own. This past weekend while my dad was at his reunion, BLT pitched in to watch all the kids so that I could stay out at my parents house with my mother. She's had total knee reconstructions, a titanium rod and pins inserted in her spine, a blood clot in her lungs at one point, she's had more surgeries than anyone I know. And now it appears as though she's got a herniated disc in her back and she can barely walk around with the aid of two canes. She needs someone to help with the laundry, the cleaning, and to cook for her. Not to mention they have two dogs that need care if my dad isn't around.

It's weird to me to think that in just over a decade my parents went from active, vivacious people who enjoyed RVing and camping to... well... old people.

It scares me to think they they won't always be here. I don't know what I would do without them. I need them. My kids need them.

Animal Hoarders

2011-08-23T14:59:00.000-07:00

I've been watching Animal Hoarders on TV today.

Someone explain WTF is wrong with these people! 150 chickens living inside your house? What? I mean, the cats and dogs peeing all over the place are gross enough... but chickens? Really?

And here's another one that puzzles the hell out of me. The family is all, "Dad can you please give up the chickens? Will you agree to find them homes?" etc. It is CRAZY behavior to have 150 chickens inside your house... Dad obviously can't be counted on to make a rational decision for himself.

My method involves waiting until Dad leaves the house and then getting rid of all the freaking chickens! All I know is if he were my family he would have a clean house... and a freezer full of nuggets!

Wanting

2011-08-22T14:39:00.000-07:00

I'm not one to spend a lot of time thinking about the things I don't have. I'm more of a "here and now" kinda girl. That being said, I have a little wish list started of things I want for myself. They aren't all things, some of them are experiences, or less tangible - more intrinsic type things.

I want to see NYC
I want to go on an Alaskan Cruise
I want to learn to cook authentic Italian food
I want to loose 15 lbs (hmmm... might be harder with that Italian food... lol)
I want to repair my credit and buy a house of my own
I want to see the Smithsonian
I want to take a photography class
I want to learn relaxation techniques and/or Yoga in an effort to manage my PTSD symptoms
I want to plant a vegetable garden
I want to have a hot tub

See... It's not a big list. It's not a glamorous list. It doesn't involve luxury vacations or fame and fortune. It's simple things - but they are all things that feel very far away right now. Due to time, energy, money, focus, lifestyle... so many reasons... it just feels like all these things will be sitting on the back burner waiting for awhile.

I guess that's the good thing about dreams. They don't have expiration dates.

And that's what I pay her for!

2011-08-21T14:22:00.000-07:00

Every now and then it surprises me just how damn freaking AMAZING my lawyer is. My X just won't get on board with the GAL for the kids that was mandated by the family courts last month.

See, X was given 60 days to communicate with his kids via letters in order to introduce himself to them. After which he was supposed to meet with a GAL for a DV and Mental Evaluation, and a plan was to be developed after the GAL's investigation so that some monitored visitation could be established in a visitation center. This is supposedly what he wants... but all he's done is be obstructive and defiant.

In the past 30 days there has been one letter sent to each child. That's it. He's objected (through his lawyer) to the GAL appointed by the judge. Then he objected to both of the following GAL's we found who met the judges criteria. There is never any basis for his objection. Just a flat refusal to sign the papers.

He recently sent a totally inappropriate choice to us, with a snotty little note from his lawyer that she was going on vacation so we should just "check Dr. D out and see when he can start." Assuming of course that I would just fall in line with what he wants. Like I'm going to pay my lawyer to do HIS homework. No thanks... plus this person doesn't meet the judges criteria of being an expert in Domestic Violence, and he's a male. My four children if you haven't guessed by now are all female. They went through a traumatic event at the hands of their own father. They have male trust issues, especially the youngest and the oldest. The fact that he doesn't understand this is further proof that he just doesn't accept the ramifications of his actions.

So my lawyer... being the kick ass legal bulldog that she is just sent him what is essentially a "shit or get off the pot" letter. He has until the 26th of August to sign the papers appointing the GAL we've found that was approved by the courts - or we'll end up back in front of the judge. He can explain to the commissioner why he's being such an ass.

It's just nice to know that she's taking care of business for me, and that she keeps the best interest of my kids in mind at all times.

Half Truth Lies

2011-08-20T14:11:00.000-07:00

A lie which is half a truth is ever the blackest of lies. - Tennyson

When you love someone you hate to see them hurting. Sitting back and watching someone struggling has to be one of the hardest things to do in life. Especially when you know, that in many ways, that person has contributed to their own pain and suffering.

Ethel has been in a cycle of sadness and regret that I'm just not able to help her out of, and I hate that. She's really going through what I can only describe as grief over the ending of her marriage, and I think a part of what makes it so hard for her is that all along Fred told half truths. The cruelest of all lies is a half truth because it gives people false hope.

He gave her just enough encouragement, just enough truth, just enough honesty to keep her hanging on for years. When any other woman would have called it quits after finding out about the lies before they married Ethel believed it when he said he was sorry. She believed it when he said it wasn't going to happen again. She believed him over the years when he promised he would go to therapy. She believed.... and then I think she stopped believing, and she stopped hoping for change. She stopped asking the questions she didn't want the answers too. But in a vicious cycle she couldn't stop checking up on him. Her 6th sense would kick in, and she would find out, again... more lies. More excuses followed the lies. More deflecting and defending followed the excuses.

And the kicker is... and Ethel knows this...she allowed it to happen. An article she shared today on FB said it best, "When you accept the unacceptable you invite the unacceptable." Wow... SO TRUE! Every time she put up with those behaviors she invited, hell she guaranteed, that it was going to continue. Damn that has to sting right? I know I personally HATE it when I'm the cause of my own pain and grief, but it happens to all of us at one time or another. The thing is... she still gives him this control. She catches him in lies, and she doesn't confront him. Those well developed Spidey senses tell her he's not being honest, but she doesn't force him to verify. She is still allowing him - in small ways to mistreat her by telling half truths. Those cruel half truths that give her hope that one day they'll be able to be friends. Only, you can't be friends with people who are not honest with you, can you? I personally don't think so.

I think a part of it is the fact that they are still legally married. There isn't the buffer of divorce, she's not even protected by a legal separation. So she tries not to make waves. I understand that... but I know it's causing her additional pain, grief and stress... and it can't last forever. Change is hard, but changes will have to be made soon for her own mental well being.

Now she's hurting and there isn't a damn thing I can do to make this better... because in all honesty I don't really understand it. I don't (and never did ) grieve over the end of my marriage because it was more of a relief to me to be out from under the controlling disrespect of my Ex. I didn't love him - and realize that I don't think I ever really did. Ethel on the other hand genuinely loved... maybe in a way she still does love Fred. What I keep asking her is "why"?

What did he do that was so loving? Did he cherish you? Did he treat you with respect? Did he support your wishes and dreams? Did he honor you with honesty and fidelity? Did he follow through when he told you he would do things?

If I understood the grief I think I could be more supportive, more understanding. I would be able to offer more comfort and compassion. I could help her end this cycle of grief. I WANT to understand. I WANT to help. It doesn't seem to be getting easier for her, in reverse in fact. It's seeming to get harder and my heart is breaking for her.

I want so much more for her than she's given to herself over all these years.

HCG Diet

2011-08-18T20:43:00.000-07:00

I'm considering trying the HCG diet. I need to do some more reasearch... anyone have any experiences they want to share?

I need to loose about 15 pounds before the wedding and I'm having a hell of a time doing it the old fashioned way so I need some assistance.

What do you guys think!?

Some People Have the DUM

2011-08-17T18:24:00.000-07:00

Ethel and I were talking about online dating tonight. I have never had this particular experience, and she has had some funny stories to share about ads she's seen or things she's heard of happening. I guess one of the things that's an issue in the whole online dating world are the "scammers" as Ethel called them. People who claim to be from another country and they are looking for a way into the US. I bet it's just some sweaty dude in Chicago looking to rip off horny idiots with low self esteem and fat wallets.

I just have to ask... can a man (or woman, I guess it happens to them too) really believe that someone they've never met loves them? I guess these women/men start a conversation and them try to develope a relationship with the goal of getting money. It starts out all "We're soulmates..." and universally ends with "Send money to get me out of the country..." and of course these people are usually beautiful. LOL, somehow ugly people manage to get out of Russia or Asia on their own just fine, it's only the beautiful, young, nubile people who need to be rescued!

LMAO... what kind of idiot falls for this? I mean seriously...I'm going to marry BLT and I would never ask him for money!

I guess there is a sucker born every minute!

Getting the kid to talk

2011-08-16T20:24:00.000-07:00

ARRRRGHHHH... *PULL OUT HAIR*....

I'm so damn frustrated with my oldest. We've been working with a therapist for over a year and it's still like pulling teeth to get that kid to discuss anything related to feelings.

It's just so hard. The therapist has made it clear that if Chef doesn't become more forthcoming there is no chance that Chef will get a choice in regards to visitation. Chef will be forced to spend time with X if there is no open dialogue to prove that there is trauma there that needs to be acknowleged and dealt with.

What am I going to do with this kid? It's all, "I'm fine, and everything is okay. I don't want to talk about it." etc. I feel like I can only push so hard before Chef will start to shut me out too. I don't want that to happen. We have a really good relationship, and I don't want to damage that.

This parenting thing is hard sometimes...

ABC (stole that MeMe)

2011-08-10T23:00:00.000-07:00

I took out questions that required a name be given as an answer for anonymity.

A – Age: 36
B – Bed size: King
C – Chore you hate: Laundry
D – Dinner: BBQed Pork Chops, Rice Pilaf and Sweet Corn
E – Essential start your day item: Hot Shower, Coffee... Morning Kiss
F – Favorite color: Red or Aqua
G – Gold or Silver: Silver
H – Height: 5’ 10"
I – Instruments you play(ed): Violin
J – Job title: Gasket Girl
K – Kids: 4
L – Living arrangements: Living in my cottage with BLT, four kids and two idiot dogs
M – Music you love: Classic Rock and Country, Folk Songs from my childhood. Pink and Prince. I'm eclectic
N – Noise you hate: The 6 am knock on my door on the weekends... why can't my kids sleep in on Saturday just once?
O – Overnight hospital stay other than births: Car Accident, Kidney Infection, Asthma/Respiratory Infections, Gall Stones
P – Pet Peeve: Lazy People
R – Right or left handed: Right but I eat with my left.
S – Siblings: Just 1, but we don't have a relationship right now.
T – Time you wake up: 6 am
U- Underwear: I'm a pantie snob. Bras and panties must match. No cotton. I prefer silky fabrics and dark colors. Boy short style are comfy, but I dig a sexy thong set with a push up bra.
V – Vegetable you dislike: Eggplant
W – Ways you run late: Forgetting my GPS, or I can't find the kids shoes, it's always the shoes.
X – X-rays you’ve had: Teeth, arm, foot, shoulder, lungs, ribs, tailbone, fingers,
Y – Yummy food you make: Home made pizza
Z – Zoo favorite: Otters and the Gibbons Monkeys.

Lucy version 2.0

2011-08-09T22:14:00.000-07:00

You know how some guys have a "type"? Well my X has a type...it's everything I'm not. He told me a hundred times. He likes em' tiny, blond, blue eyed, and a little on the wholesome side. Reese Witherspoon with big tits is his ideal. He even said on a few occasions that he was surprised he ever asked me out, that mostly he felt sorry for me, because I'm not his type.

Once in the middle of having sex he looked down and me and said, "you know if you went tanning, and dyed your hair blond, and looked totally different you could be really hot." He was confused by my instant, "get the hell off of me before I castrate you." You see he had no clue why that was insulting.

So imagine my surprise when I saw a picture of his new live in girlfriend. Yes people... the man who has only been out of jail for domestic violence with a gun for 3 months found some woman to move in with. And holy hell batman she has KIDS. Plural. The man who intensly dislikes children, and didn't care enough about his own kids to be a part of their lives on any more than a very base level moved in with a woman who has 3 children.

I won't lie. I looked her up on Facebook. Oh Em Gee... it's a total mind fuck. Excuse the foul language but it's totally deserving in this situation.

We have the same hair color and style. We are the same height, in fact she's a bit taller according to former Father In Law. She is about 50 lbs heavier than I am though... she's a larger version of me! We wear the same glasses. We have the same college degree and career path. We have the same favorite movie, favorite book/authors. We both are runners. We both have several kids. We both have prominent chins with clefts in the center.

Holy crap people I'm not imagining it... Ethel saw it too. HE'S REPLACED ME... WITH ME! LUCY VS. 2.0 I'm not sure who should be more creeped out. Me, because even though I was never his ideal he went out and purposefully found someone as close to me as humanly possible? Or her... because she's his ex wife's doppleganger. He met her online according to mutual family (they vollunteered this juicy tid bit in an effort to bait me or judge my reaction, I didn't ask where they met) so that means that he had to wade through other options to purposefully chose my twin.

Creeeeepy if you ask me....especially since his last letter about a year ago said, that he promised he would get back everything that was taken away from him.

Good lord I wonder if that woman has any idea what she got herself into?

So how much suffering is enough for YOU? A letter to the former Mother In Law.

2011-08-08T22:08:00.000-07:00

Okay, I sat on this post long enough... I wrote it out several weeks ago, heck maybe even a month ago. Then I let it sit, and stew and brew around here in my head. See I thought that perhaps it was written too hastily. Perhaps it was one of those heat-of-the-moment type things that would pass and I would get over it.

But alas... no. Recently I have had a run in the former Mother In Law (known as the Drama Momma around here) see Drama Momma is your classic female narcissist. Everything is about her. Her feelings. The work she does, the ways she suffers. That line from the movie The Ref sums it up perfectly. "You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas, Mom? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it."

So here we go... it ain't pretty... but damn I feel better getting it out.
*****************************
Dear Drama Momma,
It has come to my attention that you don't think your beloved baby boy has gotten a fair shake in all this mess. It seems that repeatedly you've asked our mutual family why X is the only one who's been punished? Why haven't I had to suffer the way your darling son has? True he brought a gun to my house, but he was driven to it by the dirty whore who doesn't love him anymore right?

How exactly would you like me to suffer? What level of pain, or humiliation would be enough compensation? Did I terrorize your son with a gun? No... I didn't think so. Somehow in your sick, pathetic, narcissistic mind this is all somehow about you and your pain. Your loss, your anger, your embarrassment.... and naturally that pain and fear and anger must be someone elses fault! You couldn't possibly have raised this monster - because you of course have dedicated your entire life to Narcissist Jr. And why in the world wouldn't that have produced a healthy, respectful, kind and loving man?

So perhaps you would feel better if I had been physically injured... oh wait, I was.
Perhaps you would be happy if I had been afraid for my life... oh wait, I was.
Maybe I should have permanent emotional scars... oh wait I do. PTSD is a bitch to live with.
Would you like me to be financially devastated... got that covered too. Your expensive lawyers have seen to that.
How about suffering from persistent nightmares for over a year, is that suffering enough?
How about if my private life were splayed out to be the fodder of gossip and speculation of all my family and friends... oh wait, it is. Humiliation not enough for your though?
Would you be warm with righteous vindication if I lost my home... because I did, and then I was HOMELESS with four kids living in a camper. Remember that little episode in the not so distant past?

Lets see... what else have we got?

Oh yes, maybe I should lose valuable relationships with family and friends as people take sides, or just drift away in an attempt to escape a very uncomfortable situation... no problem there, done.
Would you feel better knowing it was me who held your grandchildren as they cried themselves to sleep? That I answered the tough questions?
Does it make you feel any better to know I had to swallow my pride, humble myself, and beg for help at the Welfare office because I didn't know how I was going to feed my kids or get their medications?

So where are we? Pain, PTSD, Anxiety, Homelessness, Financial Ruin, Loss of Loved Ones, Fear, Humiliation, Parental Guilt, Nightmares... and those are just the biggies. There were several moves required to find a home for the kids and I. There was a difficult job change. There is the daily struggle to parent four kids. There are questions to which I may never have answers.

So have I suffered enough for you Mrs. Drama Momma? Is all of that equal to your son sitting on his ass in a jail cell for 19 months, being fed, clothed, medicated, and cared for by the state? Is there anything short of my own incarceration that would somehow, some way, make you feel less victimized by me - all because I didn't want to be married to the asshole you raised?

Because, as far as I can tell... beyond everything else I listed, just having to be married to that mean, condescending, pathetic excuse of a man and father for 15 years was punishment enough. Now I'm getting on with my life. I don't care to placate you any longer. I don't care about either of your feelings, or your issues. I'm not interested in your afflictions or addictions, your reasons or your excuses.

I think it's best we just pretend neither one of us exists. It's the only way I see this not getting uglier than it already is. So goodbye. No it's not me... it's you. I won't call you in the morning, and there's no way in hell I want to just be friends. Here you go Drama Momma, as a parting gift I wrapped up this cross for you with a pretty pink bow. I'm sure you'll get plenty of use out of it.

With my head held high,
Lucy

*** Whewww... I actually really do feel better.... I've needed to get that off my chest for 2 years! ***

Thank You Universe!

2011-08-05T08:27:00.000-07:00

The entire world will be a richer place once you marry an amazing man and have a beautiful future and have your romantic love affair.

We knew this when we helped you pick your dreams.

So let's get cracking,
The Universe

Things I've learned this week

2011-07-29T16:55:00.000-07:00

This was a ... hmm... odd week. Odd sums it up. It was stressful, and busy, and we've all been a bit cranky. We've had some personnel changes at work that were difficult, and we're all pulling a few extra hours to cover our collective asses.

This week I've learned the following:

1. My father can be a passive aggressive ass.
2. One should do everything in their power to never sneeze while brushing their teeth.
3. A certain government agency will not only do their job incorrectly and blame you for it, but they'll instruct you in a very snotty way as to how YOU are responsible for their screw up, and what steps you should take next time to ensure they do their job correctly... so as to save them all some aggravation with you...
4. If your purse is stolen, and your concealed carry permit is inside of it, it will take a small mountain of paperwork to replace it. It only took one form to get said permit the first time... but replacing it, due to no fault of your own, takes an act of congress.
5. My mother can be a passive aggressive she-devil in response to the above mentioned passive aggressive father figure. The maternal unit, however, is more creative. She haz skillz... and thus 35 years of happily married co-existence continues.
6. A bulldog with gas can clear out a room in less than 5 seconds.
7. No matter how much you love a very expensive pair of silk panties... if the elastic at the waist gives out you have to toss them. No way to save em, don't try... just bid them a fond farewell and toss em. Otherwise you're playing Grip and Wiggle all day as they shift, shimmy, slip, and reorient themselves in uncomfy places.

*Sigh...* So that was my week.

Tell me what YOU learned this week!

Think Before You Act

2011-07-27T22:15:00.000-07:00

Something came to light this past week that just took my breath away. Someone I would normally describe as intelligent did something so stupid, so thoughtless, so Fing asinine that I have no words. My trust in this person's common sense is just destroyed.

What this person did puts others in danger and it's... well... it's purely out of selfishness. With a smidge of self indulgence and a sprinkling of retardation thrown in. It's immature, reckless, and wrong.

I don't know how to go forward from here. I'm not in a position to say anything to this person, but DAYUM I'm bad at keeping my mouth shut. Shocking I know...

I seriously need to kick someones ass.

It's the little things

2011-07-24T18:25:00.000-07:00

I think it's the little things that make up a good relationship. My X was good at grand gestures. Over the top displays of expensive gifts or trips... or whatever was easy and impressive. He excelled at looking generous while actually exerting no forethought and very little work.

But when it came to the day to day things he was a wreck. He didn't seem to understand that I didn't want a new diamond bracelet - I wanted someone to help me with our four kids. I didn't need a new, bigger house. I needed respect.

BLT on the other hand is all about the little things. It's just in his nature. He is considerate. He is hard working. He listens. It's the way he always places his hand on the small of my back when we're out together... it's comforting. It's the way he carries all my stuff out to the car for me in the morning, or scrapes the frost off my windows before he leaves for work. It's that he knows what my favorite band is, or what movie I will like on TV. He gets me... he knows my moods.

Life is made up of millions of little moments, and all those little things add up to so much more than an occasional lavish gift with no forethought put into it. It's a sweet kiss goodnight, or a warm cup of coffee first thing in the morning. It's reading different books and telling each other all about them. It having someone to hold you at night and listening to their heart beat as you fall asleep. It's about laughing and joking, and staying up all night talking about your future. It's about the way he'll order dessert and split it with you just because he knows you want some and don't want to feel guilty about it.

I could live the whole rest of my life without another piece of fancy jewelry, or a luxury vacation.... but I don't think I'll ever be able to go back to a life without BLT. My life is so much better with him in it.

She called him Daddy

2011-07-23T21:10:00.000-07:00

BLT tucked the little ones in tonight, and TNT looked up at him with half closed eyes, and in a shy sleepy voice she said, "I love you... night night daddy..."

BLT looked up at me and he had tears in his eyes.

I think she was testing it out to see how it felt. Several days ago she asked me what she should call BLT now that we were going to be getting married, and I told her that she should call him whatever feels right. I told her to continue to call him BLT if she wants to, that there are no rules about this type of thing.

I think it's sweet, and I know BLT liked it. I have no idea if she'll will continue to call him daddy, or dad... or just go back to BLT. It will be interesting to see what she decides.

Let's Gather Round the Ol' Campfire!

2011-07-22T22:59:00.000-07:00

I'm excited! We are heading out camping with the kids for the very first time. It should be fun! I really hope they like it, because it's something BLT and I want to do on a regular basis, and listening to whining, disgruntled kids is about as much fun as sticking a spork in your own eye!

So we've packed our cooler, rolled up our sleeping bags, and borrowed a tent from Ethel.

What a good friend Ethel is too, she agreed to watch my two idiot dogs for the weekend, boy oh boy do I owe her one now!

Wish us luck and fair weather!

Good News / Bad New... Court Edition!

2011-07-21T22:51:00.000-07:00

Let's start with the good news. I'm doing a victory dance here - a Jig of Joy, maybe even a little Hula of Happiness! I went to court yesterday, and it really went about as well as could be expected! The judge saw right through all the lies, and excuses. She did not believe for one second that my X is a victim in any way.

She told my X that he doesn't get to disappear from the children's life for two years, and then just expect to walk back into it without any sort of gradual reintroduction. She agrees with my insistence that he needs a mental health evaluation by a clinical therapist with a PhD and experience in Domestic Violence treatment. She mandated that he have therapy, parenting classes, and a batterers treatment program BEFORE he even gets to the point where he can have monitored visitation. She expressed concern that he doesn't seem to understand that what he did was wrong, that he commited domestic violence, and that he has damaged my children. She seemed to understand that as of yesterday he still wasn't accepting any responsibility for his actions, and until he got some help he wasn't going to get access to my children.

The X asked for the following things:
* Residential visitation in his home - DENIED
* Visitation, In his mothers home. Monitored by his Mother - DENIED
* No post conviction requirements, such as therapy or parenting classes - DENIED
* The right to have our phone numbers, address, emails and other contact information - DENIED
* The right to claim the kids as deductions on his taxes (even though he has yet to pay a penny in child support for two years!) - DENIED
* Removal of the Order of Protection on the children - DENIED
*Shared decision making for the children - DENIED

What he did get is the following:
* The ability to start writing his children letters - sent to their therapist for her review, and potential editing before they read them.
* A reduction in child support. She reduced the payment by 14.00 per month. He's paying a pittance as it is - only 100.00 more per month than Ethel's brother pays for his single child, and we have four children! For a man so desperate to see his kids he's sure doing everything within his power to avoid supporting them.
* The judge is making me pay 1/2 of the fee for the Guardian ad Lidem and for 1/2 of his monitored visitation! Why the hell I have to pay half of the fee for HIS visitation and monitoring...when he's the dangerous one who screwed up and went to jail is beyond me!

So that's the long and the short of it. For the most part I got everything I wanted. The kids are safe, the re-introduction will be slow and gradual, and monitored in a professional facility by trained personnel. He will have to pass a Psych evaluation and take some much needed classes. And most importantly, a Guardian ad Lidem is appointed to help investigate and determine what is in the best interest of my kids.

It REALLY sucks that I have to come up with money to pay for half of the GAL and monitoring... especially when I didn't do anything wrong, but if it keeps the kids safe then I don't care if I have to do bikini car washes, scrub toilets, or scoop dog crap in the park to make the 3,000.00 bucks to pay for it. I'll figure it out.

BLT and I decided to scale way back on the wedding plans and use that money instead to help pay for the GAL. It means no fancy triple cheesecakes (we will likely do a simple home made cake), no full plated dinner (appetizers and cocktails instead) and sorry family, but no open bar! I'm going to wait until Easter time and hopefully get the 3 little girls discounted Easter Dresses instead of fancy flower girl dresses. I am considering taking back my wedding dress too... it's a silly expense, and I don't need to spend money on a dress. I'll make my invites, and we won't have a photographer. I'll ask our guests to bring their digital cameras and just email us all the photos they take.

We've also decided that a honeymoon isn't an option. Maybe later in the year we can get away for a day or two once the kids are out of school for the summer. I was thinking that we could keep an eye out for some kind of airline / hotel deal someplace close by for just a weekend, or even drive out of town and find a lovely little bed and breakfast to snuggle into for a few days. Either way... we're patient!

Speaking of money - when it rains it pours it seems. Yesterday when I woke up we found that someone smashed out the window in my car and stole a purse I didn't realize got left inside. Add to that, the dentist just called me. They apparently mis-quoted and billed me incorrectly and I owe them an additional 383.00 for some dental work I had done last week.

LOL...could anyone else possibly need money from me right now? Likely... but they'll just have to stand in line and wait their turn! I remember a saying I once heard someone say about money. "Spend it on what brings you joy, because you can't take it with you when you die!" Nothing gives me more joy and peace than knowing my kids are safe.

BLT and I will still get our happily ever after - it will just be on a smaller scale. This will leave us some money to put towards making sure we get the best GAL possible and make sure the kids are taken care of. I have faith that it will all work out in the end. I mean honestly... we've made it this far. The rest of this should be smooth sailing!

Fool me once...

2011-07-20T09:00:00.000-07:00

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Isn't that how the saying goes? I have nobody to blame for my current predicament except myself. See, someone I trusted lied to me. They had the best of intentions at the time, and I would like to think they honestly believed what they were saying... but when push came to shove they caved under pressure and sided with my X instead of doing what is right and standing firm. And by going back on their word to me they've put my kids in danger.

I should have known better. This person did this once before. They laid out an edict that said, "I don't support him, I won't let him live in my house unless he does X, Y, and Z... etc and so forth." But when the time came they didn't keep their word. They caved... standing firm was too hard in the face of my ex and all my former in laws (and their money).

Knowing this I let this person back into my life... I listened to their promises. I believed them. I shared and was honest and vulnerable with them, and I made declarations to the court in a legally binding statement because of the information this person gave me... and now I look like a liar. I look like a fool. I look like the kind of person that makes up things. I look like a flake.

I am hurt and I feel betrayed, not only by this person - but by myself as well. I didn't listen to my little inner voice that was shouting "don't trust... don't believe." I'm very scared of going to court tomorrow. I haven't seen my ex since that night when he brought the gun to my house. I'm afraid of what's going to happen. I'm afraid if things don't go our way that my girls will feel like I let them down. I feel like we've lost another member of our family to this disaster - because, no matter what the outcome is I'll never be able to trust this person again. I'll never let them close to us again. There's too much at stake.

And worse of all... I feel like my kids are in danger. If my X has half a chance I absolutely believe that he'll make good on his threats to steal my children in order to punish me.

We will be in court at 1:30. If you're so inclined, say a little prayer for my children and their safety and let the judge see all the lies and excuses for what they are.

Wedding Plans

2011-07-19T20:38:00.000-07:00

As you all know, I have been married in the past.... BLT however has not. He was, for the majority of his childhood a single child. A wedding is a very important and much anticipated event for his family. His step siblings are very close to both of us, and they too are incredibly excited for the wedding... so we're going to do it up right - well as nicely as possible with a limited budget, two full time jobs, one psychotic Ex dragging me into court, five kids to support, and out of state family to keep in mind.

My first wedding was designed, and lorded over by my former Mother In-Law. I made little to no choices. She just sort of took over, and not knowing any better I let her. Plus she paid for all of it, so I didn't really have a choice. This time I want to have my own fairytail, maybe not the traditional wedding ceremony... but something that I've had my own hand in. That being said, BLT wants the whole thing...Attendants, music, invitations, flowers, and an open bar! To that end I'm checking out a few locations to see if we can afford to have our wedding there. It seems that around here there are very expensive locations for huge weddings over 150 guests or more. Or there are elegant, intimate locations for weddings with 25 guests or fewer. Finding anything in between has been problematic... and expensive. Money (apparently four kids still need to eat... even though Mommy has explained that she wants those lovely invitations! LOL) is always an issue around here.

In what seems like Deja Vu I'm sure, Ethel will be my maid of honor. My two oldest daughters will stand up with me. Since the oldest daughter was in on the surprise proposal it only seems fitting, BLT asked her what she thought of the idea and they were in cahoots together the whole time! I promised Ethel that there will be no ugly bridesmaid dresses... in fact, other than requesting a color range I'm leaving the dress choice up to her. We did joke about an orange dress with a giant lime green bow though. YIKES!

We are thinking of getting married in April if possible. That's enough time to plan, save up money, get through the holidays, let family plan accordingly for traveling here from California, Hawaii, and Missouri, and it lets me take my time doing as much as possible to keep costs down. I'll do all the flowers, favors, invitations, and decor myself.

Since it's off season I'll be able to negotiate a better deal for the caterer and officiant, etc (or so all the bridal magazines claim) Wish me luck. I'm a little overwhelmed at the moment....

My first job is to find a spot to host this shin dig. Then I will need a dress (not a white wedding dress for obvious reasons.. i.e. I'm OLD) I'm hoping for this misty grey strapless number I've found online.

All of this wedding planning has a extra bonus, it's keeping me too busy to think about our next court appearance in my X's attempt to prove me unfit and get custody of my children. But that, my friends, is a whole different post for a different day.

I said Yes....

2011-07-18T20:27:00.000-07:00

It was perfect...

An overnight stay in a luxury hotel. A concert outdoors in the evening. An exquisite dinner, and back in our suite a tender, sincere request to grow old with me and to make a family with my kids and I. He picked out the perfect ring and it's exactly what I would choose for myself if I had every ring to choose from.

I cried... I asked, "are you sure?" and then when he was done laughing at me he gave me the sweetest kiss I've ever received.

How could I say no? I love this amazing man.

Count on Me - for Ethel...

2011-07-17T20:23:00.000-07:00

There are no other words... Count on me, cause I count on you...

Happiness, Take II

2011-07-08T13:49:00.000-07:00

This weekend will be BLT and my second anniversary.

Wow - two years and he's still here? I jokingly asked him if he realized I had FOUR kids... that none of them really belonged to the neighbors even if they did spend half their time over there! He said he was aware... so what can I do? The damn fool, LOL!

I think my oldest, Chef, summed it up well. Chef and I went for a walk last week and during a semi serious conversation where Chef asked me why I had stayed married to the X for so many years when he wasn't nice to us (wow, was that a hard one to put into words... sometimes I don't know myself. That was a pretty deep, honest conversation to have with your teenager) Shortly after that conversation Chef said, "BLT must REALLY love you mom, cause uh.. well we're just a lot." lol... Chef didn't elaborate on what we (the four kids and I) were a lot of. I think it's just that we're a lot of everything in general! LOL... a lot of noise, expense, emotions and work. We're a lot of energy and on occasion having so many females in one house means we are a lot of drama. Yep we're "a lot" to be sure.

So here we are... two years after starting our relationship, over seven years as friends. I can't think of anywhere else I would want to be, or anyone else I would want to be with. I'm very lucky to have a second chance at happiness.

Girls will be girls

2011-07-07T20:35:00.000-07:00

My oldest two girls both wanted to dye their hair. I've been saying no for quite a while now, but I decided what the heck.

They want to express their individuality a bit... so here we are.

One with dark cherry red/burgundy color all over and the other with bright fuchsia streaks in her dark hair. I don't love either one, but the girls seem excited about it.

And what the heck... It's only hair. I did it for them myself so all it cost me was 20 bucks and a couple hours of my time tonight. We had a few glitches, as I am not a trained hair stylist, but we figured it all out with a little patience and in the end, no harm - no foul. Now lets see how long it lasts before they want something new.

I may have started something here, girls can be fickle creatures... but at least they're happy for now!

Shocking Truths

2011-07-06T21:09:00.000-07:00

Several things lately have kind of shocked the crap out of me...

1. It's so much easier to find people on the internet than one would think. Find a FB page, or a twitter account, an email or even just have someone's personal information and BAM - I suddenly know more about you than you would like. I'm reading your personal thoughts, I'm finding out where you've been and what you've been doing. Considering my X's penchant for cyber stalking this just gives me the creeps.

2. People will say things on line that they would never say in person. People will be ruder, more obnoxious, and in general over-share because they have the anonymity of the internet.

3. I should know this... and honestly, I should know better... But number three is: Liars Lie. They do it over and over. They do it even when they've been caught in the lie. It's their "go to" problem solving skill. It's the way they avoid responsibility and accountability. Don't EVER expect the truth from a liar.

4. Nothing you own is worth what you think it is. Not your house, not your car, not your most prized possessions.

5. I should also know this... Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I forget this one often, but damn it's so true. I like to call this the peopleofwalmart.com theory. I actually went to ol' Wally World recently and saw this principle in action.

Anything shock the hell out of you recently?

Zombie Toe

2011-07-05T21:35:00.000-07:00

Double post...

I haz zombie toe of death.

I dropped a log on my big toe (I was wearing flip flops) on Saturday and broke it.

It is black, blue, and a lovely shade of lavender.

It hurts like hell.

I looks like hell.

I'm not happy.

From the corner of my eye...

2011-07-05T20:49:00.000-07:00

From the corner of my eye I saw movement... I looked over my shoulder, and where once stood my little girl a nearly full grown woman looked back at me.

When did that happen? It's a little distressing to be honest.

She's changed so much in the past two years. If her father ever earns back the honor of being in her life he's got a huge surprise in store for him.

She isn't a little girl anymore.

2 steps forward, 1 step back

2011-06-27T20:46:00.000-07:00

Apparently the X's skeezy, sleazy lawyer convinced a judge that my children are in emotional distress because I'm keeping them from a father they are desperate to see. For the record, none of them want to see him and I've got a therapist who will attest to as much under oath, who will in fact testify that it's not in the kids best interest to have anything other than very limited, and monitored access to him at this point. They aren't ready yet.

However, apparently I'll be in court in three weeks so that my X can plead his case to the judge for visitation.

All I can do is hope that the judge recognizes how dangerous he still is and keeps my kids safety in mind. I also hope she/he sees through all the lies and poor me victimization that the X is throwing around in an attempt to seem more sympathetic.

While I'm making wishes I'll toss one in there for control of my PTSD symptoms and anxiety during all of this. When we show up in court next month I want to appear calm, cool, and collected. No tears - no outbursts, no anxiety. I don't want to give him the pleasure of seeing me in distress.

Breathing Deeply,
Lucy

How I "Roll"

2011-06-27T09:19:00.000-07:00

According to Ethel's oldest daughter... I shall call her Blue Bird... it is rediculous to think that I would ever harass someone because as she put it; "That's just not how Auntie Lucy rolls."

That cracked me up. I didn't know I "rolled" at all!

Getting What You Asked For... again.... a.k.a. Karmas a Bitch

2011-06-26T09:14:00.000-07:00

So this is a reoccurring theme in my life lately. I really do think, that at some point, one eventually gets what they ask for, or maybe it's just what we deserve. Some claim that Karma steps in, or maybe it's just fruits of one's labors... both positive AND negative. Whatever you want to call it - I've seen this rule in effect many times over the past couple of years.

Well this time ol Karma stepped up and spanked my craptastic X like a wayward child. BOOM BABY... back to the corner! It seems that ol Mr. X asked for a change of venue in an attempt to punish me financially, as well as speed up this ridiculous custody battle he's brought to my doorstep. Well we just got our paper work from the court and court date was set... they can squeeze us in...

are you ready? It's good...

Wait for it....

(yes I'm giggling and rubbing my hands together in fiendish delight)

MAY 2012

I really am laughing my ass off here people. He has to wait nearly a year to even plead his case! See this is what happens when you try to play games with the court. He thought he was SO smart. He thought he could harass me and scare me into signing some b.s. document that gave him access to my kids. He wants custody but refuses to get any mental health treatment, or even acknowledge that he went to jail for a DV charge. He's still trying to convince the court that he's some kind of victim.

So anyway - lots of legal maneuvering this past week has kept me away from my computer. It's exhausting trying to wade through the hundreds of pages of legal documents and respond to all of the allegations, lies, and plain ol' just crazy bullshit that he sends my way. This last packet was over 100 pages. My lawyer was able to get all of the documents from the SWAT team and sheriffs dept. from his arrest. There are emails from his coworkers where they told the HR dept at his place of employment that he was threatening to kill me and himself. This was sent to them in the first week of September. On September 13th he brought that gun to my house and threatened to shoot me. TWO WEEKS he planned it all out, bought the gun etc. Premeditated - clear as day.

There is no way he can continue to claim that the events of that night were a "sudden, rash lapse of judgement with very little forethought" as he's been claiming in his depositions to family court. I have witness statements, the receipt for the gun purchased the week before, and a transcript of the negotiators conversations with him where he admits to being a "planner" and explains he waited all week for the chance to do this.

He's an idiot... and when we get to court next year he'll find out exactly how much the court dislikes both liars, as well as abusers. The kids and I are breathing a HUGE sigh of relief. For the next 11 months he can just cool his jets and wait for his day in court, and the kids and I? Well we are might busy enjoying this life we've built for ourselves. So I'm not going to spend any more time than I have to worrying about this... that's what I'm bankrupting myself by paying my lawyer for. It's her job to deal with all this stuff. The kids and I plan on enjoying our summer.

Karma baby... she's a lover and a hater both...I'm glad I'm on her good side this time!

My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding Videos : Videos : TLC

2011-06-26T08:49:00.001-07:00

Seriously… It’s like a train wreck I can’t stop watching. Tacky little teenage brides in the ugliest, gaudiest garb I’ve ever seen.

You MUST take a peek… really… go ahead. I assure you that you’ve NEVER seen anything like this in your life.

My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding Videos : Videos : TLC

I don't know how to get rid of all this anger.

2011-06-14T16:54:00.000-07:00

Every time I read that vignette my Chef wrote I actually see red. I've stopped crying every time I read it - but this intense anger is almost over powering. I don't know what to do with all this hate. I don't know how to get past this one. I've worked so hard to get through the fear and anger over what my X did to the kids and I when he brought that gun to my house.... this is different though. This feels so much more intense.

I knew in my head that my kids had been damaged by what my X did. But reading those words, written in Chef's own voice is physically painful. My throat starts to close up, and I actually feel my blood pressure rising. It just brought home, on such an elemental level, what she's been through.

It's almost like I could get over what was done to me... but what he's done to my kids is so much worse. I don't know how to let this go.

That "Love" word

2011-06-13T19:06:00.000-07:00

I wonder sometimes if saying something too much takes away it's power. Words like love and hate are thrown around as though they have no meaning.

I find that I say all the time, "I love those shoes" or "I am so in love with this cake". Does it take away from it's strength then when I tell BLT or my children that I love them? Surely what I feel for my kids and the man I'm sharing my life with is much deeper than the appreciation I have for cake or footwear!

The same goes for the word Hate. There is only one person I hate. There is only one person who's ever done my children and I so much harm, physically and emotionally that he instantly gets nothing but venom and disgust from me. I don't want to lump any other person or thing in the same category as that worthless piece of crap.

I think I need to be more mindful of the words I say. I feel like I need to choose more carefully so that when I say "I love you" it has real meaning.

God, this killed me...

2011-06-12T20:30:00.000-07:00

My Ex likes to tell anyone who will listen that he never did anything to hurt our kids. He has declared to the court, the police, therapists, family and friends over and over that he was the victim in all of this and that the kids have no reason to be upset.

This is a draft of my 13 year old's final for Language Arts. She is supposed to write a vignette about a moment in her life that changed her. The spelling is horrible, but hey, that's not Chef's strong point. This is also just her first draft. Reading it was very powerful for me. I cried my eyes out.... it makes me hate that man with a passion I feel for no other living person.

********************************************

People are like oxygen, we need them, they surround us, giving us light and energy. Sometimes that light disappears, and other times, it gets taken away.

He left us in the white van the smell of upholster and rain dampen concrete invading my senses. The sound of the traffic coming by blasted my ears with wanting, wanting to be somewhere, anywhere else. I joke on the outside my sisters young smiling faces making the gnawing fear a little more bearable each second. Until I saw them, they came one by one with packages, big, tall, wrapped up and hiding the deathly thing that lays inside. The sign of the gun shop will always be burned into my mind.

He lays there like nothings wrong, twirling the bullet casing in his fingers like it's all a joke, like it's not something sick and wrong, like it's an innocent toy or play thing. I watch it glint in the sunlight and listen to my sisters sobs, rubbing her back reassuringly, while my mind is trying to stay calm and not hear the words coming out of his mouth. It scared me relentlessly, what he's saying so rationally, about something so wrong.

The gun was loaded, car was ready, alaby set, his footsteps thunder with finality as he walked through the door, and hopefully, out of my life. The clock strikes seven, the days long gone, I still hear those footsteps song as he steps out of the door with finality. I didn't think he could do it, I didn't think he would try, but then again, people aren't always what you think.

So much to say, not enough energy to say it.

2011-06-11T22:30:00.000-07:00

I'll use bullet points here because it's just been a hell of a week.

* My Ex sent a nasty letter through his lawyer threatening to have me sued for parental interference. He is claiming that I am coaching my children to tell the judge that they don't want to see him. This is, I swear on my life, 100% false.

This same letter claims that I am harassing him... and that I've arranged for my family to harass him. That he has been under surveillance, that my family are "conduits of information" between us and that I'm trying to trick him into violating his restraining order. Not a single bit of it is true. But in order to defend myself I have to send in copies of phone records to prove no calls have been made. I have to gather statements from therapists that the kids aren't coached, and I have to pay my lawyer to defend RIDICULOUS allegations. I want nothing more in this life than to have that man as far away from me as possible. My family has had zero contact with him. It's all just lies and vague accusations w/o any proof to back it up. But I'm bankrupting myself trying to defend against his stupid lies and that in turn hurts my kids.

* Lady Bug turns 12 on Thursday. We are having a little birthday BBQ for her tomorrow. We are also heading to the movies to see the new X men.

* Lady Bug also has to have her tonsils and adenoids removed the day before her birthday. She won't be a very happy camper this year... poor kid. We are working like crazy to get all her school work done and turned in ahead of time since she'll miss the last week of school.

* We are CRAZY busy at work

* Monday I have to go to the Kindergarten graduation ceremony for Monkey Pants. I can't believe Kindergarten is over already!

* I started running again this week. I managed to fit in two runs, 3.3 miles and then 3.65 miles. I'm slow as hell, but I got it done. I also got in a bike ride tonight. It was a perfectly cool night, and it's so relaxing to go around my sweet little town on my bike to relax after dinner.

* I've sketched out some quilting projects I want to get started soon. This will give me plenty of time to get them done before Christmas.

* I found out Friday that my health insurance was accidentally canceled...BACK IN APRIL!! Not a single notice that there was a problem until June 10th. Good Lord, way to be on top of things! It took nearly an hour on the phone to figure out what had happened and get the auto payment set back up. It should be retroactive once they get the payment situation smoothed out, but it was stressful dealing with the ridiculous insurance company.

* I bought my dad and BLT tickets to a Mariner's game in July. They will be their Father's Day gifts. My mom went in on them with me. We got them 25 rows back from the field, right over 1st base. Should be great seats! I think they'll like them since they had a great time at a game in Arizona when they were traveling on a business trip. I like that my two favorite men enjoy spending time together.

There have been tons of little issues this week... some good, some bad... it's all just blurred together into one long, exhausting week that I was happy to see the end of.

Onto bigger and better things...

100 things about me...

2011-06-03T20:10:00.000-07:00

A la' Bikin... at http://bikinfool.wordpress.com/ I have 100 random tidbits about Lucy...

1. I have a tattoo on my ass
2. I adore peanut butter, any kind, any way it's just the YUM
3. I have more than two middle names, and ya... my hippy parents are to blame.
4. I have two idiot dogs. My children love them, and even though I pretend to be disgusted I kinda dig the little retards too.
5. I am addicted to lip gloss
6. I am always cold, and usually wear two - three layers. Yes even in June.
7. I got caught shoplifting in Jr. High and had to do 20 hours community service. This girl learned her lesson!
8. I can type over 60 words per minute
9. I've been told I have a-typical movie taste for a girl. LOVE action movies... LOVE them. Have little patience for romance movies, especially the sappy ones, but I do dig a goofy chick flick on occasion with Ethel. I prefer someone to die, or the world to be in jeopardy of a nuclear attack. If someone can die while saving the world from a nuclear attack even better!
10. For six years I was totally addicted to World of Warcraft. I left cold turkey and I'll never get sucked into an MMORPG again. I prefer interacting with real people face to face.
11. I detest brussle sprouts.
12. My favorite scented lotion/bubble bath is something tropical or citrus scented
13. I like to suck on lemons and limes.
14. I am allergic to seafood
15. My toe nails are always painted a dark burgundy red
16. I only wear one piece of jewelry every day. It's a Cladaugh ring given to me by Ethel.
17. My very favorite books of all time are Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card or Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin. Both copies are old, dog eared, and WELL used.
18. I was raised as a Catholic and go to confession once a year or so... it usually takes me about 45 minutes in there.
19. Once I talked out loud to a cardboard cut out of Twinkie the Kid in a mini mart just to embarrass Ethel. Watching her blush is fun.
20. My favorite beer is Blue Moon
21. I like to cross stitch, sew, paint, and do paper crafts like card making.
22. I have one younger brother
23. I've never met my biological father.
24. If I could visit any place in the US I would like to go to NYC in winter so that I could ice skate at Rockafeller center and see the big Christmas tree.
25. I collect vintage cameras
26. I have no idea where my vibrator disappeared to. Disconcerting... and odd.... It's not in the little satin box it usually resides in. This is so weird...
27. I adore pizza. Just about any way you make it I loves it but it must have olives!
28. I am afraid of heights and elevators make me nervous.
29. I would consider having a baby with BLT if I could be guaranteed a boy. Since you can't guarantee that I'll pass!
30. I love painting walls and furniture. Sometimes I'll just get a wild hair up my butt and decide to repaint something.
31. I think eggplant should be outlawed
32. I'm a terrible speller... really horrible to be honest.
33. I'm a list maker
34. I really dig the office supply store.
35. I have managed to flirt my way to a free first class upgrade on an airplane three times in the past couple years.
36. I have been converted and am now a total iPhone snob. I love my phone!
37. I firmly believe that nobody over the age of 9 should wear velcro shoes. Until you get to about 70... then do whatever the hell you want I won't say a word!
38. I've never spent more than 10.00 for a pair of sunglasses. I do not get the point of designer glasses. I'm just going to lose or break them. I go through three to four pairs every year.
39. I've never been skiing, snowboarding, surfing, or water skiing.
40. I am an excellent swimmer
41. My new running shoes are black, grey, and hot pink
42. Once I worked in the mall wearing a fuzzy Hello Kitty costume and passing out balloons. Damn it was hot in there. It smelled horrible too.
43. I believe prostitution should be legal, heavily taxed, and regulated.
44. I was born at 3:33 am
45. I am the most impatient person I know. I really struggle with this a lot.
46. I don't think there is anything cuter in the world than baby feet.
47. Strawberry shortcake should always be served on a warm scone or a biscuit. Angel food cake is gross and soggy.
48. I refuse to drink powdered lemonade.
49. I hate to exercise and do it because it's good for me. I'm never once felt those mythical endorphins I've heard so much about.
50. I can't decide if I am a liberal with conservative tendencies or a conservative with liberal tendencies
51. I had a pet ferret for one week
52. I had a pet turtle for one year
53. More than anything in the world I hate people who whine and play the victim role.
54. My all time favorite movie is the Princess Bride.
55. The next song on my iPod list is Hot Blooded by Foreigner
56. There is always room for ice cream
57. I detest pumpkin pie. It's not the flavor, it's the texture. I don't anything slimy.
58. I went to survival camp in fifth grade and learned to make a shelter, scavenge food, make a fire, and find water.
59. My bedspread is white with black flowers and my sheets are dark red.
60. I have a small, heart shaped, dark mole on my right shoulder blade
61. I would rather have someone tell me a hard truth than a kind lie.
62. I hate to wear socks
63. The cover on my phone is dark metallic blue... I dig it....
64. My favorite flowers are Shasta daisies
65. My favorite holiday is Halloween
66. I've always wanted to learn to play the piano
67. I do not understand the stock market at all.
68. I have persistent insomnia
69. I really like black and white photography
70. I like tea hot or iced, but will only drink coffee hot.
71. I speak a fair amount of French.
72. The idea of keeping any kind of bird in a cage inside your house creeps me out.
73. My first car was a 1971 Ford LTD... silver with a baby blue cloth top and baby blue faux leather interior. LOL, it was a giant, silver boat.
74. I was 18 before I bothered to get my driver's license. Ethel drove me everywhere I needed to go!
75. I have a cleft/dimple in my chin
76. The very first boy I ever had a crush on was named Jeremy Fischer. He was 5 inches shorter than me... but he was one dreamy 4th grade hunk of burnin' love!
77. I live in flip flops from July to September-ish
78. My favorite color is red
79. I went through six years of allergy shots, once per week. It sucked, but it was effective.
80. I really like to wear hats
81. I have a collection of vintage hat boxes that I'm very fond of.
82. I have a terrible habit of never checking the messages on my answering machine.
83. I have a sinking suspicion that I have adult ADD.
84. I can count to ten in Japanese.
85. I don't understand the appeal of comic books at all, but I let BLT show me what he's into and we go to all the super hero type movies. Maybe some day I'll "get it" but until then he enjoys it so I play along.
86. I freaking LOVE to have the sensitive inside of my elbows or the back of my knees kissed. Weird I know but dang that turns me on!!
87. Shhh... don't tell, but I already have to dye my hair to cover the pesky greys here and there. I just color it the same dark chocolate brown / nearly black that my natural color is so nobody knows!
88. I prefer hand made, or vintage / thrifted gifts to any other kind.
89. I wish I had the patience to sew a quilt, but I just don't.
90. Some day I want to live in a house on a lake
91. I work for my family's company and I really do love it. I work hard, but it's rewarding to see that your hard work is directly proportional to the companies success.
92. I think cigarette smoking is pretty much the most disgusting habit ever. I would rather see someone pick their nose and eat it than light up.
93. I have a special, deep, almost ridiculous loathing of those ugly rubber Croc shoes.
94. I had a dream the other night that I picked up a really ugly, mangy, flea bag of a dog. It only had one eye, and it was just the ugliest thing you've ever seen. I named it after my X... I'm pretty sure I should discuss this with my therapist... I have issues....
95. I refuse to eat Oreos or anything Oreo flavored. Yuck.... that greasy cream center stuff makes me gag.
96. Bacon, Potatoes, Apple Vodka, and Klondike Bars are all proof that God loves us. This is also why I have to exercise... *grumble*
97. I would love to go on a cruise some day.
98. I make delicious apple cinnamon pancakes (according to my kids)
99. I own not one, but two fondue pots
100. BLT might actually be wearing me down in regards to the whole marriage thing. He keeps talking about it, and dang it if I don't love that man. We'll see... never say never is what Ethel keeps telling me.

Happy Divorce-a-Versary to Me!

2011-06-02T20:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the one year anniversary.... or Divorce-a-Versary if you will... from my psychotic X. I celebrated in style with beer and Nachos at my favorite Mexican restaurant with Ethel and BLT. Not extravagant, and quick like, as it's a week night - but it was fun to toast to the future and not so fondly remember Capt. Cookaloo.

I've come a long way in a relatively short period of time, and as hard, and horrible as it's been at times I don't regret it.

I don't regret my relationship with BLT, my divorce, or the struggles the kids and I have endured because we're stronger for it. We are closer, and we are all so happy with our little blue cottage, our sleepy little town, and our family.

My only wish would be that my X would suffer a traumatic brain injury and get total amnesia, or get eaten by a Velociraptor. But since that doesn't look like it'll happen I'll just have to fight him through legal means. Not fun, but necessary. I have faith that we'll all be OK in the end.... we just might need to lean on friends and cry on a few shoulders as we go.

Thank God Ethel and BLT excel at the supporting and hand holding thing... whew... what would I do without them?

I have faith.

2011-05-30T17:49:00.000-07:00

Today I took a long walk. I mean LONG here people... nearly two hours!! I was talking to Ethel and lost track of time... that happens a lot. We spend quite a bit of time chatting about relationships, men, kids, and life in general. Sometimes we're bitching, some times we're commiserating. Sometimes we're just being idiots.

While I was walking I saw a little old couple ahead of me. They are moving in that slow, leisurely way of people who aren't in any rush to get anywhere in particular. They are talking, heads bent towards each other, walking in step - a rhythm that they probably aren't even aware of. He stops and picks a blue bell from out of the rocks, beside the road and he hands it to her. She actually blushes a little... or maybe it's the cool wind, but I prefer to think that he's responsible for the pink in her cheeks. She takes the flower in one hand, and his weathered hand in her other. They continue their walk and she leans her head on his shoulder for a moment.

It was so sweet. So pure and lovely. It gives me faith in love.

Earlier in my walk I came to the end of a long dirt road. The road ends in a field. There in the grass is a Momma deer and the tiniest baby deer I've ever seen. It couldn't yet stand very well... all wobbly legs and knobby knees. I was too far away to get a decent picture, and I could tell my presence was making Momma Deer very uncomfortable. She was trying to use her body to shield the baby and her ears were flat back against her head.

I decided, rather than linger for my own enjoyment, to leave as quietly as possible back down the road I had taken in.

Once again, so sweet and natural and just lovely. It gives me faith in renewal and growth.

It's been quite a lovely day all around.

Pretty Girl...

2011-05-28T08:52:00.000-07:00

I wish I was "pretty". I have moments when I feel attractive, but I am certainly not everyone's vision of beauty. I'm 5'10" to begin with. I'm not dainty, and the last word anyone would choose to describe me is delicate. I am not fashionably thin, nor am I busty or plush as Ethel likes to say. I am just in the middle... Average.

I rarely feel feminine. I work in an industrial automotive shop. I wear jeans and thermal shirts (no heat in the shop, only a wood stove, it's freaking freezing out there). I have long nails, but a manicure is a waste of time and money... And I don't have soft hands.

I have long, thick, nearly black hair... No highlights, no drama. I wish I had beautiful hair, all I can say for mine is that it's thick and healthy. I would say the same for my neighbor's German Sheppard...

I don't have any striking or unique features except for my very long legs, which cause my height. I have large hands, large feet, and am in general a "Sarah Plain and Tall" type character.

I wish I was pretty. I wish I was delicate and graceful. I wish I was more than average.

I feel like, were I to describe myself as a color, I would be beige... I really dislike beige. I need to find some color, some kind of spark. I need to find some "pretty" before BLT figures out he can do better!

It's just like riding a bike...

2011-05-21T16:15:00.000-07:00

Now I know why that saying is true. It's been over 20 years since I last rode a bicycle. Last November BLT surprised me with the cutest, girliest pink Schwinn called the Debutant. Today I purchased a brain bucket, thank you Bikin for the suggestions, and a nice basket for the front. I raised the seat, attached the basket, and checked the tires- then it was off for my first bike ride in twenty years! It started to sprinkle after half an hour, and I had to go get Monkey Pants from a birthday party anyway, but it was a great first ride!

I can't wait to go out again!

Passive Aggressive Is Just Gross..

2011-05-17T13:20:00.000-07:00

Wrong, bad, icky, sick, and oh so very Douche-Waffle-Ly

It appears that Ethel's soon to be- sort of is - future ex-husband is back to his old tricks. I'm not even sure it's conscious. I think being passive aggressive is how he's learned to treat her, and how he's managed to get what he needs or wants from those around him.

That being said... damn that is REALLY f'ing annoying!! His newest move is more of the begging and "why won't you promise to let me back into your life, because it's not about what YOU need it's about what I WANT!?" that he's been famous for lately. But he's added a new trick into his repertoire of manipulation. See Mr. Fred and Ms. Ethel are both participants in a message board/forum/online support group for people and their spouses who struggled with Sexual Addiction. Well Mr. Fred has used this forum to push his agenda in a not so subtle fashion and for the most part Ethel has chosen to ignore his pointed jabs, pushing, and obvious attempts to persuade her to take him back.

Instead she focused on herself, her online journaling, and reading/participating in the forums when it was applicable to her. Well she recently posted on her personal online journal about a relationship she's having and Mr. Fred just can't seem to realize that it's not about HIM anymore. She's traveling her own path now, independent from him and his many, varied issues.

Recently Mr. Fred made a very obvious attempt to make Ethel feel guilty by posting that he's leaving the forum because what he's reading is "just too painful" for him. Okay, that's your prerogative. Why do you have to be a drama llama and make a big post about it? Both of you have only been participants in the forum for 2-3 months... you don't have any long term friends or anyone that you have to explain yourself to. Why not just decided that for your own personal well being it's time to stop reading and move on? Oh ya... that's right... that's not how emotionally abusive and manipulative people operate. See it's not about you leaving or staying, it's about getting any kind of attention from Ethel that you can... it's about attempting to make her feel guilty for YOUR CHOICE to remove yourself from the support group instead of simply not reading her private journal.

Once again though he's the victim.... and really, I've been his friend for more than 15 years and I care about him, but this whole passive aggressive thing is so very... VERY... unattractive. He's got to stop.

Be strong Ethel... Lucy Loves You!

My favorite Tee

2011-05-16T06:39:00.000-07:00

I found this top in a sale bin at the thrift store... On the back is a little devil's tail.... *giggle* Maybe I should have put on a bra before I took the picture!? Hey I never claimed to be a classy girl!

Lovers, Liars and Lawyers

2011-05-13T18:39:00.000-07:00

Well I've been a busy girl...

As you read in my previous post my Mother's day pretty much sucked ass. There's no other way to put it. My kids were...well they were kids. They don't have their own money, they don't drive, and nobody was around to remind them it was Mother's Day. BLT didn't mean any disrespect, and once he realized my feelings were hurt he felt like a jerk. He told me that he remembered his mother, and even my mother- but he's never had a girlfriend who was a mother. He said, "I'm an ass, I didn't even think about you that way and I dropped the ball." Being gone three days prior to Mother's day on a business trip didn't help any.

He offered to take me to dinner and a movie - and I'll cash in when we get paid again in another week. So in the end no harm, no foul...I'll survive. Plus he felt so bad we had the most amazing make up sex EVAH! Whoo hoo, I'm talkin' bone melting hot. Dang that man of mine can turn on the tasty charm when he's motivated!

A couple days later I had an unpleasant surprise. I was served papers by my X's scummy lawyer. He's hauling me into court demanding shared custody and get this... he wants child support FROM ME!!! Oh ya, someone is smokin' crack in that camp. It is a 33 page motion full of lies, excuses, and bullshit. There is no other way to put it. Ethel read it all and I swear she nearly gagged on some of the crap he was shoveling. It's pathetic.

There were ridiculous stipulations about me being cooperative in his efforts to get the kids passports (uhhh... NO you are not taking my kids out of the country Capt. Crazy Pants!) and about me giving up the rights provided in my Restraining Order and providing him with my home address and phone numbers so that he could have access to the kids. Again I said, "hell to the no...but thanks!"

I was especially fond of the two pages of rambling poor me story line that detailed how he was a victim, and since his release he's bonded with his grandfather over the death of his grandmother, and how their mutual grief and loss of beloved spouses resonates within his soul. I would like to mention that his grandparents dislike him greatly and I've been assured by my former Father In Law that this is still the case.

So anyway, it's back to court we go. He - with a box of tissues and a barrel of lies. Me, armed with 911 tapes, police reports, declarations by family members, friends, therapists, and medical records. I feel secure in my position that he won't get what he wants. But I don't have the money to fight the good fight for long so I really hope he doesn't drag this out. Of that I have no faith at all.

I do worry about the uber liberal retards in the family court system though. This state has this moronic statute that basically says that parents have a right be a part of their kids lives as long as there is only a minimal amount of harm caused. You know, it's okay to mess up your kids... just a little... as long as it salvages a bad parents rights. We wouldn't want to trample on that drug dealing, meth head, hooker mom's right to influence her young children now would we? Or in my X's case - we wouldn't want to get in the way of an irresponsible, absent, half crazy, abusive gun toting a-hole's attempts to emotionally manipulate his children in order to punish his ex-wife would we? *sigh*

I'm going to have to just admit that I don't have control here. I can prepare the best I can. I can arm myself with facts and depositions. I can even bring in specialists and doctors. But in the end it will be up the judge and I have to have faith that the judge is not going to put my kids lives in danger. I have to have faith in that or I'll never make it through all this without loosing my mind.

Today I was an after thought...

2011-05-08T18:43:00.001-07:00

And you know what? It sucks...

No cards, no flowers, no recognition that it's mothers day.

I'm ready for the day to just be over.

HNT Share

2011-05-05T08:56:00.000-07:00

I'll share a secret... I hate, HATE my stomach. So in an effort to be more accepting of my body here is this weeks HNT (Half Naked Thursday) photo.

Four kids in six years - gaining and then loosing nearly 60 lbs, and a lapriscopic surgery left me with a tummy I would rather hide under bulky layers than show off.... but here it is....

Oh and the photo is in black and white because I'm playing with the settings on my new iPhone App, lol!

I know you hear me... but are you listening?

2011-05-03T21:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think listening is a lost art form. I know people hear me, but it seems that they only hear a part of what I'm saying. Or they assume facts that I've never shared or said. Or they plain old ignore what I've said. Mostly these days it's my kids... and lets be honest that's what kids, especially teens, do. I get that. It doesn't make it any less annoying though.

BLT and I run into this. He's not trying to be malicious. I know this, but it's one of those annoying communication issues between men and women. In an attempt to be supportive, and because he loves me, he says things like, "I think you're perfect just the way you are." He doesn't hear ME and absorb what I'm feeling when I say, "I'm unhappy with the the way that I am. I want to be healthier. I want to be thinner. I want to feel sexy." His answer is always, "You are sexy" but it's not about how he perceives me. It's about how I feel in my own skin. It's how I feel when were intimate. It's the image I see in the mirror each day.

I've run into this a LOT with my former in-laws. They assume things I haven't said. They don't hear the kids and I when we say that we don't want my X in our lives. They don't hear me when I say that the kids and I are finally happy, that we truly are at home here in this small town, loving our house and the family we've turned into with BLT. They hear what they want. They focus on the minutia and miss the big picture.

Maybe that's just communication in general? Maybe I'm expecting too much? Maybe I'm not being clear? George Bernard Shaw once said that the biggest problem with communication was the impression that it has it taken place. I think he's onto something there.

Little Annoyances

2011-04-28T17:51:00.000-07:00

I'm having one of those weeks where everything annoys me. In no particular order I am irritated as hell by:

My X

My Former In Laws

The Cost of Gas

My Financial Worries

My Landlords Raising My Rent 200.00 per month

The Royal Wedding (I just couldn't care less and I'm tired of seeing it all over the TV)

My BFF's soon to be Ex Husband... man he's high on the list actually...

My Slow Weight Loss (I'm fairly close to my goal weight and it's coming off slower than I would like)

My Idiot Dogs

My X - ya he was already mentioned, but damn he irritates me so much I have to give him another slot on the list.

Add to all of this I have insomnia and my boobs are SUPER sore this week. I have no idea why, but I want to crawl out of my skin. The girls be hurtin! I'm sure it's a combo of stress and hormones.

I'm sure all of this annoyance will pass. It always does. I tend not to hold onto things for too long. Until it does pass however I highly recommend that everyone just avoid me like the plague. I'm really cranky and I have the distinct impression that I have no sense of humor at the moment. My poor kids... and BLT too. They are all just giving me a wide berth this week.

Getting What I Asked For

2011-04-27T20:51:00.000-07:00

In so many good ways I've gotten what I asked the Cosmos for. I have a man who loves me. I have a stunning sex life. My kids are happy and settled. I have an amazing vintage cottage in a beautiful little town to live in. I have steady employment that I enjoy.

However, I've also gotten some of the things I asked for that turned out not so good. See, I just kept repeating "All I want is for him to leave us alone. I wish he would ignore us, and act like we don't exist." Well I got my wish, but now I understand that I might have spoken too soon. See... what I should have said is that I don't want to have to spend any time with him. I don't want him to use my kids to hurt me. I do however wish that he had to pay child support. Raising four kids alone is really hard.

My youngest needs $800.00 worth of dental care immediately.  I can't even ask my douche of an Ex-Husband for help because of the restraining orders, and because there is no child support ordered by the family courts yet I can't even send a request for help to him through lawyers. I am totally on my own here - as usual. I applied for Care Credit - a line of credit for medical bills and was denied due to bad credit. My nearly 1/2 a million dollar home went into foreclosure when the X went to jail. My once great credit is destroyed. I can't even get a high interest credit card at this point.

I humbled myself and asked my former in-laws for help. Even though they have a crap-load of money they declined, in a very snotty fashion to help out. All their promises about doing anything to help the kids was a total lie. They want to punish me by denying my kids help... it's the same shit it always was. They have money - and they use it to control and punish the people around them. Their grandchildren are just casualties in this whole messy war that's been declared against me because I had the nerve to walk away from their precious boy.

So I don't know what to do. I'm taking some designer handbags to a resale shop... the owner said she would be interested in them.    I have one last jewelry item I'll pawn... and a good 50 dollars worth of books to sell to the used book store. That gets me a little closer to my goal.

I guess what burns me the most is that my in laws would have given my X the money in a heart beat... no matter what it's for. A new Xbox 360 and games? Done.  All new clothing post jail? Done. A new car? Done. Money for a lawyer? Done.   But they won't give it or loan it to me for our 6 year old's teeth. Just to be cruel.

I guess that will teach me to be careful what I ask for...

I need a vacation from my life...

2011-04-26T16:37:00.000-07:00

Anyone want to join me somewhere warm? I am exhausted, emotionally and physically. I've been working a lot, and with the Easter holiday tossed in there I've run myself ragged.

There is no rest for the wicked though. I have a full work week ahead of me as well as a doctor appt for Lady Bug, an appt to get my snow tires removed, a get together at my girlfriend's house, a therapy appointment, a sleepover at my house for my 3 nieces, and I REALLY need to get my ass in gear and exercise more regularly!

Whew... I want to say "the hell with it" and run off to some tropical island for a week of sleeping in, adult beverages, and dirty hotel sex!

Conversations with the kid...

2011-04-23T20:13:00.000-07:00

Inspired by QT Mama, I bring you "Conversations With The Kid". A collection of recent conversations with my 8 year old.

TNT: Grandma... is Papa or BLT here tonight?

Grandma: No honey, it's just us girls tonight

TNT: COOL... we can watch movies, hang out in in our underwear... *giggle* AND GET TATTOOS!
*******************************

TNT: Mommy I don't want to eat the tomatoes, I don't like them.

Mom: Come on, they're good for you... They'll make your boobies grow!

TNT: I don't want boobies... I just want nipples!
********************************

BLT: Come here and brush your hair, you look like a little hobo!

TNT: I'm not a Hobo. I'm Home Free
*********************************

Lady in the grocery store: Oh what a cute stuffed kitty you have there!

TNT: Don't stare at her, she's going Comando today!!

Yes folks... my kid is weird.

Things you never want to see at the Goodwill

2011-04-22T19:50:00.000-07:00

The other day Ethel and I were joking about things you just don't want to see for sale at the thrift store. It got me thinking of some of my recent bargain hunting trips and the truly odd, useless, and just yucky stuff you can find.

Sex Toys, Lube, Massage Oils and other adult play things - Really this is just self explainatory.

Lingerie - Scary, but we actually see this all the time. Like anyone wants used skivvies, just EWW.

BAAAAD Art - While it's true beauty is in the eye of the beholder, some stuff is just so ugly it's trash worthy, no way around it.

Dot matrix printers - yes I actually saw one. I mean who is going to use that?

Depends or Toiletries - these items aren't that expensive. I can't imagine buying half a bottle of lotion that's God only knows how old, or a package of six tampons. And used combs and hairbrushes? Another YUCK, thank you very much.

Mismatched shoes - yep, I was in a small, independantly owned thrift store once and they were selling bags of mis matched shoes. HUH? I mean, if I was one legged maybe that would be quite the bargain, but as I have been blessed with two feet I kind of like to wear shoes in a matched set!

Last, but not least... Yes I found this once...

Dentures. Yep... someone else's teeth. They were in a little box. I don't think whoever priced the box realized they were in there, because the dope fiends that price things at my local thrift stores would charge WAY more than the 2.99 they were asking for the box had they known there were some primo canines and molars inside. I mean, they ask five bucks for a shirt from Walmart that only cost six dollars brand new... teeth with some nice yellow staining have to be worth at least 10.00 right?

A Letter to Ethel...

2011-04-21T21:50:00.000-07:00

My dearest best friend. I am afraid. The recent events between you and Fred frighten me. I'm worried about so many things, it's hard to figure out where your issues start and mine end. It's all mixed up in my head... his issues, your issues. I know your husband is not the same person as the man I was married to... but I see so many similarities it's just scary. I want to fly instantly into protection mode.

I'm scared you'll be hurt - emotionally and physically.

I'm scared your kids will be witness to the ugliness that seems to be brewing just under the surface of this whole mess waiting to explode all over the place.

I'm scared that financial pressures will push you to make decisions that are not good for any of you.

I'm scared that you don't know your true beauty and worth.

I'm scared of saying the wrong thing.

I'm scared of making it worse.

I'm scared of change.

Even more though I am scared of not seeing things change.

I love you,
Lucy

The Lawyer and the Landlord

2011-04-18T21:22:00.000-07:00

I hired a new lawyer today. She's pretty fierce - kinda scary actually. She's perfect! She also understands that I'm broke, and she asked for a micro-scopic retainer. We've decided that our best course of action at this point is inaction. We've receive no summons to appear in court - the Order of Protection for the kids is in full effect still, and I have full custody with no change in sight. We are not going to do a thing. I don't want anything from him other than to be left alone - so we will wait and see how he proceeds. Should I be contacted again by his slimy dirt bag lawyer then my council will take over. Should we receive a summons we will respond accordingly.

I feel good about this tactic. You see my X makes lots, LOTS of threats and noise... but he only acts on a quarter of what he spews forth. So there is a good chance that he's doing just that, making noisy threats. If it becomes more than that then we have a plan of attack and my lawyer knows what my end goals are in regards to the kids. So I'm totally broke now, all of my meager savings went into the retainer...but it was worth it. A fresh set of eyes on my case, a solid plan, and someone located closer to home to handle everything. WHEWWWW is that a load off my mind.

I'm happy to report that the yearly inspection with my landlord was a success. My rent went up 200.00 since she found out BLT moved in, and honestly she had lowered it for me when I was raising four kids on a single income. That increase is going to be hard on the budget, but there's nothing we can do about it. So the new lease is signed and we got permission to put raised garden beds in the back yard. The kids and I are looking forward to getting these in as soon as possible. I would love to get some fruits and veggies planted, as well as sunflowers and some herbs for cooking.

It's been a good couple of days, but exhausting ones. I ended up working on Sunday to get caught up on some big orders at work. I'm ready for a weekend... and it's only Monday!

I need a legal eagle

2011-04-14T00:06:00.000-07:00

I'm frustrated, scared, and more than a little on edge this week. Ever since my X showed up at the kids school two weeks ago, a blatant violation of the restraining order, I've been trying to contact my lawyer. I've left messages and emailed numerous times and haven't been able to get a hold of her.

The one thing I hate more than anything else is being ignored. This is the one thing that is sure to raise my anxiety level. When I'm scared and stressed out I need to know what the next step is. I need to be able to plan, and prepare myself for what's coming up. Obviously I can't do that if she won't communicate with me.

I received a call today from my X's new attorney. Apparently she has paperwork for me and has been unable to contact my legal council either. I looked up my X's new attorney online and found out she's been fined and cited by the Bar Association for unethical behavior. Her website claims that she specializes in domestic violence and custody battles.

Explain to me why he got a lawyer who specializes in DV when he's the one who went to prison for assault? Never mind, I know the answer. He threatened all along to sue me for custody, take my kids, and disappear so that I can never see them again. He's been making lots of noise about getting the kids removed from the TRO (temporary restraining order) because his version of reality is that the only reason he went to jail was because I lied, and he's the real victim.

Oh yes... that six hour stand off with the SWAT team and that loaded shot gun were all just one big misunderstanding. And me running through the streets naked in the wee hours of the morning? What was that? My new exercise plan?

Can you feel my blood pressure rising? Because it is... My heart is pounding, I'm sweating. I feel faintly nauseous, and I'm trying hard to keep my cool. PTSD is a bitch. I'm going to breath. I'm going to focus on what I can control this very minute. I wish it worked better - but it's what I've got to work with.

Well today I finally got an email from my current lawyer. She's having serious health issues and promised to answer calls and emails when she could. I decided to let her know that I made an appointment for a consultation with another lawyer. I explained that my X is claiming that BLT and I are junkies, and that he's trying to get the TRO lifted.

If you knew me you would laugh. You'll have to believe me when I tell you that I don't smoke, I drink very lightly and only socially. I'm such a control freak that I chose natural child birth FOUR times instead of filling my body with pain killing drugs. Anyone who knows me, knows this. This is just an attempt to mess with me and make my life difficult. I need someone who is able to deal with this issue right away.... plus my current lawyer's office is a three hour drive from my new house. It's too hard to spend the entire day in traffic to sign papers or have a meeting. I'm hoping she understands, because I really do like her and I don't want any hard feelings between us. She's done so much for the kids and I already... but I have to look out for our best interests and there is an immediate threat to our happiness and safety.

The thing that scares me the most is that I don't know how he could possibly have a leg to stand on - but if this dirty lawyer took his case she must have some reason to think that my X stands a chance of getting either visitation or custody. The idea is terrifying to be honest, and I'm choosing not to discuss this with the kids right now. All of them have told their therapist that they don't want to see him, and I've told his family this - but they don't care. It's not about us, or what's best for the kids... it's all about my X and what he wants.

Life just started to settle down for us. We're happy, we're all healing emotionally, and life has been really good lately. Now he's going to mess everything up. His mommy's deep pockets ensure that he has the resources to keep me tied up in court for years while I go bankrupt trying to protect us. He isn't working, so he has plenty of time to devote to making our lives hell.

It all feels very threatening and scary right now. It's times like these that I want to pull the covers over my head and eat my way into a chocolate coma. It's just my luck that I chose last weekend to join Weight Watchers with Ethel so that I can get the 20 lbs off I packed on during my divorce. Isn't that just Murphy's Law?

A Tasty Blog

2011-04-08T18:56:00.000-07:00

Love this baking blog... take a peek if you're also an enthusiast of all things warm and fresh from the oven.

BEAUTIFUL photos too!

http://sugarbeanbakers.blogspot.com/

Wanting Someone Who Doesn't Want You...

2011-04-06T20:41:00.000-07:00

This is one I'll never understand. A few people in my life are going through this same thing. A family member is head over heels crazy for someone who doesn't want to have a relationship beyond friendship. This person kindly, but firmly made that very clear. Still, my former in law can't let it go, and it's making them nuts.

Ethel and Fred are in a similar situation. For years it seemed that Ethel chased Fred, wanting desperately to make their relationship work and he seemed ambivalent at best. He said he cared, but his actions always showed that he didn't. Now the tide is turned and Fred is desperate to prove his love to Ethel and she can no longer see a future for them together. She hasn't said the word "Divorce", but she's danced around it in every way possible. I think she wants to leave the door open in case she has a change of heart...or maybe just saying it makes it too final right now and she's not ready to face the finality of the death of her marriage.

My X decided we were getting divorced. I heard about it from my former Father in Law in fact! Then once I moved forward and got my own place to live, a job, and the final straw being my X finding out I had been with another man...BAM, all he wanted was to get back together. When I refused he got...well, crazy. At one point I asked him, "X, why would you want me? I don't love you. I don't want to be married to you. We are not happy together." His reply? "I don't care if you're miserable every day for the rest of your life, you don't get to destroy what I built." NIIIICE.... wow those are the words every woman wants to hear when someone is trying to convince them to continue or renew a relationship.

Why do we do that? Why do we want people who clearly don't want us? Is it a part of that whole, wanting what we can't have mentality? The grass is always greener... all those sorts of things? I personally don't get it at all. I want to be wanted. I need to be wanted.

I've been ignored and it feels terrible. And I wasn't even chasing my X... it was more like two room mates, and it still hurt to be dismissed. I can't imagine chasing someone knowing they're not receptive. My ego couldn't handle it.

I don't know how to help Fred or the In Law with this one... I want to say the right things, but I don't understand the whole dynamic they have going on, and I don't want to make it worse. I don't think, "Dumb Ass... get over it, move on, he/she doesn't want to be with you!!!" is the best way to reach either of them. And honestly it's a good way to get punched in the mouth! So..since I have the subtlety of a sledge hammer I realize it is kinder to remain quiet... confused and quiet.... and just listen while they talk.

That's all I've got to offer.

Let the dance begin...

2011-04-05T12:09:00.000-07:00

I knew in my heart that it was only a matter of time before my X violated the restraining order that was issued for my children and I. I just hoped that going to prison was enough of a deterant to delay the inevitable for awhile. That was wishful thinking on my part.

You see my X is a narcissist, he believes he's the smartest man in the room, and he's usually right. But his downfall is that he has no people skills. He is anti-social and conceited. He doesn't feel as though he did anything wrong, so the rules don't apply to him. Only that conceit makes him predictable, and his total lack of interpersonal skills makes it hard for him to predict others behavior. He assumes people will do what he wants, or give him what he thinks he is owed, and when that doesn't happen he doesn't adjust his plans accordingly, he just can't.

That's how he ended up in prison. He never imagined I would stand up to him and call the police. He assumed I would roll over and beg for my life when I saw the gun. He didn't think I would run.

Well my therapist called it when she gave him 30 days before he violated the restraining order. Friday, 26 days after his release he was seen by two separate witnesses at my kid's school. The police were called. The school went into lock down, and a search was made of the entire town. Only they couldn't find him so they can't to a thing about it. It's frustrating, they have to catch him in the act or they can't send him back to jail.

So here we go again. I've heard this music before, and I've done this sick little dance with him. It starts with the phone calls, Check. Then it's coming around where he's not supposed to, Check. Next will be the cyber stalking or following us around. He can't help himself.

And so the dance begins until he messes up and gets caught. Or until he shows up at my house again with a gun. Only this time I'm not running. This time I'm prepared and capable of defending myself. Either way this ends, it won't be good for any of us. Any way this plays out my kids suffer. They don't have their father in thier life. They don't get any child support and financially things are hard for us. Worse case sceanario has me shooting the idiot when he shows up at my house in order to defend us. It kills me knowing that the lesser of two evils is my only option when dealing with my X, because there is no good outcome possible. He's put this in motion by not getting counseling, by not working, and by defying the judges orders and coming near us.

I'm just so frustrated and angry about all of this I can hardly talk about it without having a massive headache or anxiety attack. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I honestly wish he would just do what he's supposed to do and leave us alone, get a job, pay his child support, and for one nano-second take into consideration what is in their best interest.

It's just a piece of paper.

2011-04-01T07:16:00.000-07:00

I am acutely aware that the restraining order against my X is nothing more than a piece of paper. My X was released from prison on the 6th of March. Starting on the 9th I began receiving calls at work where someone just breaths on the other end. No speaking, no other noises. In less than a month I have received 10 of these calls.

Last night I received the same kind of call on my cell phone. That number is unlisted. I just changed carriers and got a new number a few days before his release. How did he get my number?

Why won't he leave me alone? I can't go through this again. I know it's him, and it's a viation of my restraining order, but he's smart enough to use a blocked or unavailable number. I can't prove it, so there is nothing I can do except sleep with my .38 under my pillow and pray to God that tormenting me via the phone gives him a big enough thrill that he doesn't come looking for me or my kids.

I have a sinking feeling thatvthis is the beginning of something very bad.

Bitter Divorcee Poetry

2011-03-29T22:32:00.000-07:00

I'm having one of those weeks where I'm so pissed off at my Ex-Con loser of an Ex Husband. So in his honor I present Bitter Divorcee Poetry.

I wish I may,
I wish I might,
Have a buzzard peck his eyes out tonight.

Or the ever classy;

Roses are Red
His eyes are blue
I hope he gets Herpies
And genital warts too.

Hey I claimed to be bitter, not that my poetry would be any good!

Disney Recap

2011-03-26T16:34:00.000-07:00

Well we made it back safe and sound. The weather held up for the first three days, but day four had record breaking rains, floods, and lightening storms. We stayed the whole day in the parks, but it was wet, cold, and we all looked more than a little pathetic. It took three hours in the hotel clothes dryers to get our shoes dry enough to wear the next day.

All in all it was a good trip. We laughed, and the kids and I spent some much needed time together. Traveling with four children is a unique challenge. We did pretty well, especially once I chilled out a bit and just decided to go with the flow, as the saying goes. I had to relinquish a little control, and let thing happen in a more organic way. It was impossible to stick to my "list" and I was making us all nuts so I had to just loosen up. It was good for me - and the kids!

I packed my camera and took a few hundred shots - but I had the most fun with the video camera built into my iPhone. I kinda have a love affair with my new phone anyway... but the ability to take video of the kids on the rides just rocks!

Plus BLT and I were able to be in frequent contact and I sent plenty of photos and video back to the grandparents too. Speaking of grandparents - my mom and day paid for the kids to do one of those Character Breakfasts in Ariel's Grotto. They LOVED it. The meal was fantastic and there was lots of personal one on one time with the characters. It was pretty fantastic!

I won't bore anyone with further details - I know looking at other people's vacation photos is about as exciting as watching paint dry, and hearing the minute details of said trip is even less thrilling! I'm happy to be home - even though work this week was exhausting - and I have lots on my mind that I want to write about when I get back into the groove of things here at home.

On our way!

2011-03-17T06:34:00.000-07:00

Let the adventure begin! We are currently at the airport waiting for our flight. Being the anal retentive traveler that I am I woke everyone up at 3:30 this morning and made sure we were on the road within the hour. I failed to take into account that at that time of day there is no traffic! So we arrived at the airport three hours before our flight.

We made it through security in record time because they directed us to the Family Travel line instead of the hour long standard inspection line. So that means even with a bathroom break and a stop at Starbucks we have two hours until we take off.

The two little ones are already bored and making me nuts. Wish me luck, I may need it!